Creamy concoction
HURRAH! The planet is finally going to be saved in just over a week’s time when the great, the good and the gloriously green meet in Glasgow for COP26.
Or perhaps the situation will get worse, when the talking shop produces a cloud of hot air which hovers in the sky above Scotland, before blasting a Glasgow-shaped hole in the Ozone layer.
Luckily the Diary team have truly green principles. For we have craftily created a product so darned enjoyable that our readers constantly pester us to recycle material, by occasionally publishing the cream of our classic stories.
Which we are happy to do now, with the following top tales from the vaults.
Frisky faux pas
IN the far off days when there were such things as offices, there were also office parties. A reader heard two young chaps holding a post-mortem on their office do, where partners were also invited.
“I wasn’t that drunk,” one of them insisted.
Countered his pal: “So how come you ended up asking your girlfriend if she was single?”
Dog gone it
WE recall the Glasgow council official visiting a house in Blackhill, where he noted that the tenant had knocked through archways in all the rooms so that you could travel from the living room to the kitchen to the bedroom and back round to the living room.
When asked why he had done so, he replied: “To train my greyhound.”
Transport traduced
GLASGOW is not always a place for effusive congratulations. The Diary recalls when the city’s transport museum was named European Museum of the Year. The staff immediately put this news on its Facebook page, no doubt expecting thousands of messages of congratulations. But amongst the first to comment was a visitor who merely wrote: “Kelvin Hall was better.”
Beach babe
A CHAP in a Glasgow pub was being quizzed by his mates about his use of a popular online dating site. “I put down that I was looking for a woman who loves long walks on the beach,” he told them. “It’ll giver her something to do while I watch the fitba.”
Sand trap
A RETIRED chap joined an Ayrshire golf club and informed the professional that his handicap was a respectable six, and his main difficulty was getting out of bunkers. The pro said he could teach him some useful ways of improving his bunker play, but the chap added: “No, son. I mean climbing oot the bunker after I’ve taken my shot.”
Face facts
AN Ayrshire couple holidaying in Portugal were having their nightly stroll and enjoying watching all the buskers and street entertainers. One local was sketching portraits, and as he was studying the face of his next customer, admittedly not the bonniest, an unmistakable Glasgow accent came from the chap standing behind him studying the canvas, who loudly announced: “He’s got his work cut out there.”
Dance macabre
“MY husband had a near-death experience at the weekend,” a woman was heard telling her pals in Glasgow’s west end. “He tried to change the channel when Strictly Come Dancing was on.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here