Hark the Herald

OVER the years the Diary has delighted its dedicated readership with many major scoops. We were the first to reveal that Benjamin Disraeli had become Prime Minister, which we reported in record time, back in 2005. (We’re now eagerly awaiting updates on this exclusive. Don’t worry, faithful reader. We’ll make sure you’re informed of any developments.)

Today we are proud to publish our biggest scoop yet ... the latest edition of The Herald Diary Book is now available in all good book shops.

The weighty tome contains many amusing tales, including one about a famous Glasgow folk singer who arrived at a friend’s door bearing a carry-out, and was invited in. After a while he asked his host when the others were coming.

“You mean for the party?” enquired the host.

“Yes,” agreed the folk singer.

“That was last night,” he was informed. “And you were at it.”

Cash calamity

SHAME-FACED confession time. Reader Fiona Coates admits: “I’ve done some terrible things for money.”

With a shudder of disgust, she adds: “I’m talking about getting up when my alarm goes off in the morning, then going to work.”

Boxing clever

THE young grandson of reader Edward Deane came to him with a look of pity in his eyes, and said: “Grandpa, what did you do in your day, before the Xbox was invented?”

Grandad nodded sagely, and said: “We had our own version of the Xbox when I was a kid. It was called the swing park.”

Bubble bliss

A TALE of lurv. Michael Watson from Rutherglen knew a nurse who tried to keep her romance going with her boyfriend who worked in South Africa by chewing a piece of gum and posting it to him so he could finish gnawing on it.

All together, now: “Awww…” (Or do we mean: “Yuck?”)

It’s a wrap

WHILE studying at Dundee University reader Paul Emerson played bass guitar in a local band at weekends. “We were called Wrapping Paper,” recalls Paul. “The reason being that we didn’t have any original material but we could cover anything.”

Mythological musing

THE grandmother of Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie always used to say: "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

Malcolm adds: “I don’t know if that’s true, or just one of granny’s myths.”

Pillow talk

CURIOUS reader Barry Moss gets in touch to ask: “If I put my mobile phone under my pillow overnight, will I wake up to discover that I’ve been left some cash by the Bluetooth fairy?”

Read more: Why a young Bertie Auld had to forgo fun and frolics