Cold calling

A White Christmas is pleasant, though snow at any other time of year is completely unwelcome. We dare to go further, and say that the white fluffy stuff should only drift from the sky for precisely one hour on Christmas Day – providing a festive backdrop for the turkey dinner – then it should pack it in.

Alas, the gods of weather tend to haughtily ignore the reasonable demands of the Diary, which explains why nine inches of snow is likely to splatter on Scotland next week. Nine inches! In November! Even a penguin would call that a tad excessive.

But not to worry. Just batten down the hatches, button up the duffel coats, and use a mediocre newspaper (i.e. anything that isn’t The Herald) to light a crackling fire.

Then, while the winter wind wails at your window, enjoy these classic tales from our archives…

Weekend woe

AN AYRSHIRE school planning a skiing trip for its senior pupils was impressing upon the older lads that any attempt at underage drinking on the jaunt would be severely frowned upon.

Staff didn’t know whether to be happy or sad when one 17-year-old was emphatic that no attempt would be made to access drink during the trip, then added: “Not after the hangover I had last weekend.”

Cheapskate chastised

TWO Glasgow lawyers were in Paris to watch a rugby match. They had just reached the front of a long queue to buy train tickets at Charles de Gaulle airport when they were approached by an American tourist who offered them one euro if they would buy his ticket, too. The legal chaps informed him that for one euro he could purchase some valuable professional advice: Get to the back of the queue.

Tummy tantrum

NOT every Glaswegian is a charmer. Some are downright dastardly. A reader witnessed a wee grumpy bloke, trying to alight from a crowded bus at the Gorbals, tell a rather large lady he was attempting to squeeze past: “Here, hen, swing yer belly tae the wan side.”

Ontology of astrology

ANOTHER yarn about an ungallant chap. This fellow, spotted in a bar in Glasgow’s west end, told a woman looking at her stars in a newspaper: “Yes, millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let you know that you’ll meet someone with nice eyes today.”

Pitch perfect response

“I WAS lying on the couch watching the TV programme Saturday Kitchen,” said a woman having coffee with friends, “when hubby walked in and said, ‘What are you watching that for? You rarely cook.’

“So I asked him why he watched Match of the Day as he can’t run the length of a football pitch.”

Screechy send off

THE Caledonia Club of San Francisco holds a regular Highland Games where you can purchase T-shirts with this message emblazoned across the front: ‘Bagpipes – Putting the fun back into funerals.’

Fido funny

DAFT joke time. A reader once asked: “What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?”

The answer, of course, is: “A labracadabrador.”