Chocs away

CHRISTMAS is coming, the goose is getting fat… or if the daft bird has any sense it’s gone on a strict diet while putting in punishing hours at the local gym. Those fiendish humans are much less likely to gobble it up if it’s lean and ripped, rather than plump and juicy.

One of the Diary’s favourite yuletide traditions is the ceremonial opening of the tin of Quality Street.

Rapidly followed by the ceremonial complaint about the size of the tin of Quality Street.

“In my day it was twice as large!” grumps grandpa, who won’t be placated until the rest of the family agree to let him eat every single one of those extra-yummy sweeties with the purple wrappers.

Unlike a box of Quality Street, the Diary isn’t shrinking. We’re as big and buoyant as ever.

And as the following tasty tales from our archives make clear, we never dish out a dud. Our stories are so good, they should all arrive in purple wrappers…

A moo-sing story

WE recall the country lass from Perthshire whose hubby hailed from Edinburgh. Discussing her other half with friends one day, she happened to say: “Shug’s very much a city boy. He hadn’t even seen a cow until he met me.”

The poor woman was rather startled when her pals started to snigger into their tea.

Blown away

A GLASGOW READER was on a bus in the west end’s Byres Road. A rough-looking chap boarded and sat next to a rather posh old lady from Kelvinside. Minutes later, this fellow broke wind so loudly it could be heard by all the passengers.

“Don’t worry, hen,” he turned and told the shocked Kelvinside lady. “They’ll probably think it was me.”

The bus was in such an uproar the poor woman got off at the next stop.

Cutting comment

A WOMAN in a Glasgow salon was complaining to her hairdresser about her husband’s lack of attention. Eventually the woman said to her hairdresser: “Do you think I should divorce him?”

The hairdresser thought about this before replying: “Oh, I think you should consult at least two hairdressers before taking a decision on that.”

Class dunce

IN a Lanarkshire school the timetable of races for the upcoming sports day was being discussed. A student teacher suddenly asked, when told there was a wheelbarrow race, where would they get the wheelbarrows.

Numbers racket

ONE youngster, on hearing that VAT was going up to twenty percent, told his parents: “But on the plus side, some of my maths questions are going to be a lot easier to work out.”

Colourful comment

A VISITOR to the Dear Green Place once opined: “I used to think Irn-Bru was just a drink until I came to Glasgow and realised the young women here think it’s a tanning shade.”

The wheel deal

“I PHONED a guy who had a car for sale in the paper,” said the tipsy tippler in the pub. “I asked him if it was an estate. And he said, ‘No, it’s in excellent condition.’”