Maritime moany-face

WORKING on board a ship can be invigorating. All that forcing people to walk the plank and staring intently through a spyglass on the lookout for the first sighting of a Jolly Roger. (At least that’s how the Diary imagines it.)

Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie actually was a sailor, and he recalls a favourite maritime quip.

If the planned maintenance was running behind schedule, the second engineer would ask: "Do you think that you’re on daddy’s yacht?"

The inevitable reply was: "No. Daddy’s yacht has two funnels and I get my breakfast served in bed."

Brooned off

IDENTITY politics is a minefield to navigate, notes reader David Donaldson, who recently discovered that a new gender-neutral pronoun is likely to enter the official Norwegian language within a year.

‘Hen’ will become an alternative to the existing singular third-person pronouns of ‘hun’ (feminine) and ‘han’ (masculine).

Says David: “If this catches on here, it will cause conniptions in the Broons family.”

Specs appeal

AN angry warning from reader Robin Gilmour: “To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you… I have contacts.”

Down heel battle

WE’RE discussing the lyrics of the late country crooner, Kenny Rogers. Reader Iain Wilson attended Aberdeen Uni when Kenny’s song, Lucille, was a hit.

“I was walking with a group of friends,” recalls Iain, “when one of my classmate's shoe fell apart, the heel having snapped off.”

At this juncture Iain had two preferable options regarding how to proceed.

1) Commiserate with his chum, offering a shoulder to cry on and an arm to lean on.

2) Race to the nearest Aberdonian cobbler to salvage the flummoxed footwear.

Iain did neither of the above. Instead, he commenced a rousing rendition of, "You picked a fine time to leave me loose heel."

And was his friend delighted by this musical intervention?

“I got smacked in the face for my troubles,” sighs Iain.

Farmyard funny

ANOTHER recollection of the late Barry Cryer, the comedy writing great who worked for Scottish legends such as Stanley Baxter.

Gordon Fisher from Stewarton says: “I remember Barry saying an ‘extractor fan’ was someone who used to like farmyard machinery.”

Fiery comment

THE SNP’s Westminster leader was slung out of the debating chamber for calling a certain blond-haired babble-merchant a liar.

“Would Ian Blackford have been allowed to inform Boris that his pants were on fire?” muses William Watson from Carstairs.

Cat calling

THE urge to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is never more than a whim away,” points out reader Linda Murray.