Feeling flushed
TODAY we ponder a most profound riddle: when does a convenience become an inconvenience? Gordon Fisher from Stewarton recently hired plumbers to undertake some essential maintenance. Unbeknown to him, the tradesmen got the hot and cold pipes mixed up when switching the water back on.
Cut to some hours later. Gordon has partaken of a few refreshments at a local hostelry before wobbling off to use the facilities in the comfort of his own home.
When he flushes, steam rises majestically from the white throne, leaving a gobsmacked Gordon to gasp: "Help – I need a doctor!"
Monkey business
SALTY sayings from a ship’s deck, continued... Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie informs us that a comment oft heard coming from a seafaring chap’s mouth is: “I’m not saying he’s a bad engineer. It’s just that he couldn’t fit a nut into a monkey’s mouth.”
Saucy saying
IT is with a certain amount of shame that the usually highfalutin Diary strays into Carry On movie territory. Russell Smith from Largs gets in touch to ruminate most rakishly regarding golfing parlance, and enquires: “Are two balls on the putting green that are touching, or in close proximity, known as a pair of knockers?”
Truth to power
WE recently mentioned that Ian Blackford was ejected from Parliament for calling Boris Johnson a liar.
Reader Deborah Parker advises the SNP’s Leader in Westminster to devise a euphemism to replace that most shocking word that he can safely use in any future altercation with BoJo.
She suggests: “The Right Honourable Gentleman is acquainted with the truth, though he has not, as yet, invited it out for a steak dinner.”
Rock/hard place
THE Beijing Winter Olympics has thrust that most dynamic and thrilling of sports into the spotlight. Reader Anne Kelley was telling her seven-year-old daughter what curling entails, and explained that every curling stone has to be crafted from granite from the island of Ailsa Craig.
The little girl looked puzzled for a moment, then asked: “What happens when they run out of island?”
Scared, big time
WE continue helping the English Dictionary to be a truly great read by supplying a few essential words not currently included in the weighty tome. Roddy Young suggests: Pheephyphobia – the irrational fear of giants.
Duck for cover
READER’S WARNING: The following joke involves cruelty to poultry and 1970s soul music. Advance at your peril…
“How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?” asks Martin Morrison from Lochinver. “You put it in the oven until its Bill Withers.”
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