A DIARY yarn about a snooty store assistant reminds Gordon Fisher, from Stewarton, Ayrshire, of the time his daughter started working in a city centre hostelry. To make sure she was settling in, Gordon and a chum popped round to partake of some refreshment.

“I raised a £20 note in the air to attract the attention of my surely-delighted-to-see-me daughter,” recalls Gordon.

Taking the payment, she promptly ran the money under the bar’s UV light sensor to check it wasn’t dodgy.

She then scored it aggressively with the security pen, held it up so she could squint at it in the light, shot Gordon a dirty look, then finally asked another bartender if he thought the currency was pucker.

When she finally arrived with the change, Gordon’s mate said: "My goodness, that's terrible! That's your dad." "I know,” she responded tartly. “That's why I needed to be sure."

Footy flops

THE shocking video of West Ham United player Kurt Zouma abusing his pet cat is a stark reminder that not all rich and famous people should be revered.

“Footballers aren’t role models,” points out reader Jim Morrison. “Most of them are roll aboot on the grass models.”

Breezy badinage

SINCE discovering that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been belting out classic songs in Downing Street, we have been guessing what tunes he might enjoy warbling.

Bryce Drummond, from Kilmarnock, suggests a famous Maurice Chevalier number, with the lyrics slightly amended to: "Every little breeze seems to mention more sleaze."

What’s the beef?

OUR discussion of the perils of taking children to museums reminds Teresa Milligan of visiting the Tower of London with her six-year-old son, Edward.

One exhibit was a life-sized mannequin of a Beefeater in a glass case. Edward studied it intently before asking: "Was the man killed before he was stuffed, or did they just stuff him anyway?"

Double delight

“I WAS in a book shop and spotted a book titled How To Solve 50% Of Your Problems’,” says reader Mike Peterson. “So I bought two.”

Bum deal

A FRIEND of Ian Noble, from Carstairs Village, South Lanarkshire, was studying to be a dentist but quit after the first year.

“When I asked why,” says Ian, “he said he couldn’t handle the thought of spending the rest of his working life with his fingers in other people’s mouths.”

With a puzzled shake of his head, Ian adds: “So he became a gastroenterologist.”

Shop shrug

WITH a deep sense of ennui, reader Jennifer Young says: “If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.”