Weather woes

LO and behold, the Scottish weather has started doing that Scottish weather thing again.

That familiar trick that involves oodles of snow, hail, sleet, rain, wind, (a wee bit of sarcastic sunshine), then more snow, hail, sleet etc.

And that’s just the first five minutes of the day, when the weather gods are still in the process of waking up, and haven’t yet reached peak levels of fiendish malevolence.

So what should one do in such circumstances? Batten down the hatches, of course. And if you haven’t got any hatches (or battens) Sellotape the curtains shut instead.

Now go and relax and enjoy a few warm chuckles, courtesy of today’s classic tales from the Diary archive. And remember, tomorrow is bound to be a scorching hot, sunny day. Though only in Barbados, alas…

Getting the needle

STRANGE customer requests. An assistant in Glasgow sports emporium, Greaves, was asked by a customer if they stocked football pumps with needle adaptors.

When she confirmed they did, he asked if he could borrow one. Not expecting a game to kick off in the store, she asked why he merely wished a temporary loan, and he replied that he wished to clean out the wax in his hearing aid.

Alas, his request fell on deaf ears.

Do it yourself

OH to be young and just starting out in life on your very first job. An East Kilbride reader reveals: “My young niece working for the first time behind a bar in London was asked for a lager and lime. She handed the customer a glass of lager, a lime, and a knife. Needless to say that was her last shift.”

Love, everlasting

GLASWEGIANS are so romantic, thought a reader from Maryhill catching the bus into town. Two women were discussing the sudden death of a mutual friend’s husband. Agreeing how bad it must be for their friend, one of them opined: “They were only married for three years. So she probably still loved him.”

Wintry wash

A GLASGOW reader told us of an office colleague who announced: “I have a cold shower every morning.”

Everyone was thinking how hardy that must be when the chap added: “Right after my wife and daughter have finally finished having hot ones.”

No laughing matter

“WHEN I met my girlfriend,” said a chap in a Glasgow pub, “she said she loved a man with a sense of humour.” He added: “Now all I get from her is the complaint, 'So is everything just a joke to you?'”

The numbers racket

A LENZIE reader once told us that he felt rather ancient when he tried to explain to his teenage daughter that in his day there were no comprehensive schools and you had to sit the 11-Plus to decide what school you were going to be sent to.

With a confused look on her face, she asked: “Eleven plus what?”

Bowled over

A DAFT gag from a Glasgow playground. “I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl. He wags his tail a lot.”