ON social media you occasionally stumble upon a tale as profound as any Chekhov short story. For instance, a Scottish bloke has posted that he yelled at a woman whose dog relieved itself on his drive.

“She was clearly fizzin and claimed it wasn’t her dug that done it after me just witnessing it,” explained the exasperated fellow.

To his surprise, the woman took off her glove and lowered her hand...

“I thought, this fruitcake is gonnae just pick this up, bare hawns,” marvelled the fellow.

That wasn’t what transpired.

Instead, the woman’s hand stopped an inch above the doggy’s doings. She then triumphantly proclaimed: “That’s no even hoat.”

The chap wasn’t taken in by this ruse and demanded the woman get rid of the poo, adding: “I’m no stawning here arguing over the temperature ae a dug sh**e.”

Thankfully, she did as requested. Even more thankfully, she used a plastic bag, not her "bare hawns".

Booted out

PROMOTIONAL campaigns don’t always hit their mark, notes reader John Mulholland, who was watching TV with his family when a Scottish Government advert came on encouraging people to eat healthily.

At one point the website address for the campaign, www.eatwellyourway.scot, flashed on screen.

In unison, John’s outraged wife and daughter declared: “I’m not going to eat welly!”

Taking the biscuit

THESE are dark days for Ukraine, with little humour in an ugly war started by a covetous Russian despot.

However, David Donaldson does find a sense of the ridiculousness in Vlad The Bad, recalling the occasion, 31 years ago, when Putin was part of a Russian delegation visiting Ford's bakery in East Lothian. At one point he calmly walked over to a plate of Penguin biscuits and stuffed a load of them in his jacket pocket without so much as a by-your-leave.

“Any man who can p-p-pick up a p-p-penguin without p-p-permission is clearly a bad sort,” notes David.

“It was only a matter of time before he helped himself to whole countries without asking.”

Protective measures

CUNNING reader Ralph Jones says: “I’m keeping my allotment safe from burglars by surrounding it with rhubarb wire.”

Foody flippancy

FISH tales continued. Bryce Drummond, from Kilmarnock, was in an Ayrshire hostelry when one of his group told the waitress he’d start with the warm kipper. Another friend said: "Is that not a Hebrew festival?"

Babbling booze

“A VENTRILOQUIST at a bar told me I was attractive,” says reader Jenny Miller. “I wasn't sure if it was him or the beer talking.”