Browned off
A SCATOLOGICAL Diary tale reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of the early days of his teaching career when one of the perennial miscreants thought it would be funny to place a Mars Bar on a radiator in the classroom and watch it melt.
Next period a wee boy came in, took one look at it, and said: "Sir. I think someone's done a s***e on the heater!"
Gordon went to investigate, remarking that it was probably just a bar of chocolate, though maybe the lad should smell it to make sure.
For some unfathomable reason the delicate youth declined this suggestion. So Gordon leaned over to inspect the suspect substance, sniffed it, pouted his lower lip, and shook his head.
Next he dipped a finger in it, then popped the besmirched digit in his mouth.
The boy looked on, aghast, and began retching when his teacher screwed up his face up and declared: "Oh son, you were right. It is a s***e."
Scott… or not?
A DIARY yarn about a gormless tour guide visiting the Scott Monument in Edinburgh reminds Bob Byiers of the time another chap of the same profession was asked by a curious holidaymaker: "Now, did Scott write his novels before or after he went to Antarctica?"
Xcitement curtailed
LENT began yesterday. A few years ago John Mulholland’s wife was pleased when he told her that to mark this period of religious observance he would give up a three-letter word ending in X.
She was less pleased upon discovering that John meant he was taking early retirement from his job in tax.
Sour Grapes
WE mentioned a university warning its undergraduates to be careful perusing a certain novel due to "scenes of violent fishing".
A concerned David Donaldson says: “Students should also be wary of reading The Grapes Of Wrath in case it puts them off one of their five a day fruits.”
Taking a fence
GLASGOW comedian Mark Nelson has performed in front of large audiences and drunken hecklers. Though nothing compares to the high stakes involved in his latest challenge.
“My son and his pals just asked me to punt a ball over a fence to them,” he shudders. “Never felt such pressure.”
Taxing issue
“A FINE is a tax for doing wrong,” notes reader Jill Muir. “Yet a tax is a fine for doing well.”
Global issues
ENTREPRENEURIAL reader Robert Curran turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. “I just couldn't see any future in it,” he says.
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