Pen & (Story)teller
THE first trailer was released this week for the forthcoming Star Wars TV series, Obi-Wan Kenobi, which stars Ewan McGregor, who is playing a Jedi knight for the umpteenth time in his acting career.
For the uninitiated, a Jedi is similar to a member of the Tufty Club, that 1970s organisation for children that trained little ‘uns how to cross a road without getting knocked down by a Space Hopper or Chopper Bike.
In a comparable manner, the rigorously trained Jedi learns how to avoid getting stomped on by a Stormtrooper, or given a wedgy by Darth Vader.
Which brings us to another mystical and secretive organisation: The Sacred & Beatific Order of the Knights of the Herald Diary.
Membership of this Order isn’t obtained by violently waggling a lightsabre, as Mr Kenobi is want to do.
No, we are a peaceable fraternity who prefer to disarm our enemies by regaling them with amusing anecdotes.
The following classic tales from our archives prove that not only is the pen mightier than the sword – it’s also a heck of a lot sharper than a measly lightsabre.
Food for thought
AN EDINBURGH reader told us she was in a smart Stockbridge deli when a young chap asked: “Do you sell whales’ eggs?”
The assistant thought about this briefly before asking: “Do you mean quails’ eggs?”
There was an even longer pause before the potential customer answered: “Maybe.”
Gender gap
GALES of laughter in a west end bar in Glasgow where a group of women were discussing what they had in common with their husbands. One of the ladies was a bit stumped until all she could finally come out with was: “We got married on the same day.”
Word absurd
AN Aberdeenshire reader was visiting his 10-year-old granddaughter who was excitedly telling him about her cheerleading course, and reading from the leaflet about what they were being taught. She explained she could do a backward roll, a handstand and a back flip. Reading further, she announced: “And I can do an ektektekt!”
Not knowing this particular feat of gymnastics, he took the leaflet and read at the end of the list “Etc, etc, etc.”
Wheely confused
A TYRE fitter on Glasgow’s south side was dealing with a customer who was complaining that her front tyres seemed to wear down awfully quickly, so he suggested that in the future she rotate them to lengthen their life.
The puzzled woman asked him: “But don’t they rotate automatically as I’m driving?”
Munchy moniker
MANY folk take sandwiches to work for lunch to save money. Which reminds us of the Glasgow chap who told us: “There’s a strange thing happening in the office kitchen just now. Folk are putting names on food in the fridge.
“Yesterday I had a tuna sandwich called Marilyn.”
Info a no-no
THE popular online encyclopaedia Wikipedia closed down for a day to protest against new laws in America.
“It will be interesting to see tomorrow’s homework,” a Glasgow secondary school teacher told us.
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