Pitt, stop
MOTHERWELL resident and fan of the distinguished local footy team, Ernie Morgan, was in a pub with some chums at the weekend, discussing the beautiful game, as chaps in such situations are apt to do. After a few beers one of his pals muttered: “You can say one thing about our team, they’re not like Chelsea. You’d never catch our lot touching any of that oligarch money.”
The rotund and rather elderly barmaid, who must have been eavesdropping, stopped cleaning a pint glass for a moment and let out a scornful snort.
“So it’s yer principles, is it?” she smirked. “Must be the same principles that make me say ‘On yer bike’ every time Brad Pitt asks me for a lumber on a Saturday night.”
Dodgy digging
WE mentioned that Rod Stewart has been spotted near his swanky mansion filling in potholes in the road. Concerned reader Bob Mcleavy says: “Rod’s 77 years old. I wonder if he ever stops digging for a minute, too exhausted to continue, then says to himself, I’ll need to be careful about This Old Heart of Mine.”
Freedom for Fido
WALKING her dog on Glasgow Green the other day, reader Jane Maitland had to tell the animated animal to “sit!” and “stay!” on several occasions.
Once, when she was in the process of bringing the boisterous mutt to heel, an elderly fellow strolled past and said: “Dinnae you be stiflin’ that poor wee dug’s creativity. Let it innovate! Let it improvise! Let it skip the light fandango!”
The old boy then winked jauntily, and strolled on his way.
Dubious delight
THOUGHTFUL reader Bill Daniels says: “I’ve just figured out how to know when something won’t be fun: Someone will say, ‘Come on, it’ll be fun’.”
Up and down
ON a train into Glasgow, reader Julie Baxter heard one elderly and rather morose looking lady confide to her friend: “I like to think of myself as a happy-go-lucky pessimist.”
Time, please
“I’VE never been able to figure it out,” says bamboozled reader Simon Hobson. “The pub is only ten minutes from my house, yet my house is two hours from the pub.”
Satisfyingly sacked
WE continue our run of tales about wickedly honest job references. Iain Grimmond from Newton Mearns suggests the following: "When Bob arrived to start working with us he was fired with enthusiasm. It was the same when he left."
U2-1
“I USED to have a friend who was in a great U2 tribute band,” says reader John Kendall. “Unfortunately they lost their Edge.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here