Quentin query quelled
THE Diary was sad to hear of the death this week of Peter Bowles, the last of the majestic moustache cultivators, and the personification of a roguishly charming British gent in so many fondly remembered TV shows.
The actor was once in a London watering hole, contentedly waiting for a ham sandwich he’d ordered to arrive, when Hollywood movie director Quentin Tarantino introduced himself, and asked Peter if he would like to join him and his girlfriend across the road, where they were having dinner.
“It’s so kind of you,” said Peter, “but I’ve just ordered a sandwich.”
What a missed opportunity!
The Diary likes to think that very few of our wide range of contributors would have taken the sandwich option.
As the following classic tales from our archives underline, our team usually prefer to grasp the nettle of intrigue and adventure.
Even though it tends to end in confusion, delusion or a very icky meeting with a seven-year-old boy...
Bird brained observation
THE study of wildlife can be a joy. A reader once recalled teaching in Drumchapel when a seagull landed outside the classroom window. The rest of the class was alerted to this fact by one budding ornithologist who exclaimed: “Sur, err a eagle on ra windae sill an’ it’s staunin’ oan wan paw!”
“And there was I trying to teach said ornithologist to speak French,” sighed our reader.
Bum deal
TECHNOLOGY is changing our lives in more ways than we realise. A Gourock reader explained: “My wife received a text message from my seven-year-old son while she was doing the dishes last night. It said: ‘Finished. Come and wipe my bottom.’ So she did.”
Wedded bliss blasted
IN Glasgow’s west end a newly engaged woman was showing off her diamond solitaire to friends, and announced: “A lot of men are going to be sad when I get married.”
“How’s that?” asked one of her pals sweetly. “You do know you can only marry one man at a time.”
Shop talk
SOME conversations are just daft. We once heard of a woman in a Glasgow corner shop who asked: “Do you sell Elastoplast?”
When the shopkeeper said, “What?” the customer repeated her need for Elastoplast and the shopkeeper said: “Oh, I thought you said something about ‘the last of the Apaches’.”
“That film was called The Last of the Mohicans,” said the customer, trying to be helpful.
Now thoroughly confused, the shopkeeper relied: “What film?”
Screwball screwdriver
A READER was building some flat-pack furniture for his daughter while being watched by his eagle-eyed grandchild. As the flimsy tools that came with it proved useless, he asked the young boy if he knew where a screwdriver was: “I’ll get you mummy’s screwdriver!” the little one shouted, and disappeared.
He returned two minutes later with a side-plate cutlery knife.
Boozy badinage
POTENTIAL jobs were being discussed in a Glasgow pub when one tippler opined: “Prison guard sounds a pretty easy job.”
When asked for an explanation, he added: “I mean, who would want to steal a prison?”
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