Fighting talk
COMIC actor Jack Docherty has a long and distinguished career, starring in popular shows such as Scot Squad, though he’s new to social media and anxious to make an impression.
“So, day five of my Twitter life. Disappointed I haven’t been involved in a spat yet,” writes Jack, before adding hopefully: ”Boris Johnson is an exceptional PM. Bob Dylan’s best work came in his Christian period. Hibs will spank Hearts in the semi cos the Jambos are a pub team.”
Clean getaway
A FRIEND of reader Stevie Campbell decided to have new double glazing installed at his Chapelton home.
The chap and his wife were eagerly awaiting the joiners to do the fitting. When they heard the sound of a ladder against the front of the house they concluded that the work had commenced, as planned.
Alas, they were proved wrong when their window cleaner descended, chamois leather in hand.
Two hours later those same windows were ripped from their frames by the joiners, who were perhaps impressed by the polished shimmer on the junk they were about to toss in the skip.
Language games
“SPELLING in English is very eccentric,” points out reader Helen Bain, “but it can be understood through tough thorough thought though.”
Plane Jane
CONVIVIAL David Black was once at a garden party in Washington DC when he noticed a demure young lady who appeared to be not a day over 20. Wearing a fine Paisley shawl, this delicate flower seemed to have only recently tiptoed from the pages of a Jane Austen novel.
Eager to impress such a gentlewoman, David struck up a conversation about the Paisley pattern and its links to ancient Samarkand.
She listened attentively. David then asked what she did for a living.
“Oh, I fly F-35s,” came her reply.
(Which is rarely the sort of activity well-bred ladies pursue in your average Jane Austen novel.)
Food for thought
A STORY about a youth’s treacherous tastebuds reminds David Donaldson of his granddaughter, who was a picky eater when little.
David once asked her: "What's your favourite vegetable?"
"Crisps," came the reply.
Wifely woes
A DIARY discussion about acronyms with a Scottish twist forced Russell Smith from Largs to hide that day’s Herald from his other half.
For he didn’t want her reminding him of the battle cry of all long-suffering wives: YTITO – Your Tea’s In The Oven.
His number’s up
CONCERNED dad Alan Murray is worried about his son’s maths higher exam. “The lad told me his chances of passing are 40-40,” shudders Alan.
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