Bisto bracer

GLASGOW. The city where it’s often difficult to tell the difference between the bon vivants and the bam vivants.

With this in mind, actor Sean Connor says approvingly: “Just watched a man in Glasgow Central Station drink a tub of KFC gravy like a shot.”

Mum minus mammon

THAT most heart-warming of occasions will soon be upon us… Mother’s Day. Margaret Davies from Cumbernauld spotted one ideal card for sale which she hopes her own teenage son will present her with this Sunday.

The inscription on the front read: ‘Happy Mother’s Day from your financial burden.’

Taking a powder

FOR no purpose we can rationally explain, the Diary finds itself wrestling with the question: ‘If Michael Gove released his own aftershave, what would he name it?’

Recalling the Aberdonian MP’s admission that in the past he occasionally snorted a certain white powder, Robert Cooper from Falkirk suggests: ‘Lynx Colombia by Gove.’

Gourmet gal

ANOTHER fussy eater tale. David Donaldson was told of a teenage girl who had recently given birth in the Southern General. Refusing food, she was urged by staff to eat in order to build up her strength. The girl protested that she wasn’t fond of the hospital meals.

"What do you like?" she was asked.

"Maltesers," replied the girl.

"Just Maltesers?"

The girl thought a while, then added: "Oh, and chups."

Stolen moments

THE Diary isn’t merely an oasis of calm and gentle amusement, secreted far from the turbulence and untamed terror that is the rest of the world. Like a modern day Dostoevsky, we also confront the harsher aspects of life.

Glasgow lawyer Matthew Berlow gets in touch to inform us he’s a bit shaken up, adding: “I was robbed at the petrol station earlier this afternoon.”

He adds: “After my hands stopped trembling I managed to call the police who were quick to respond and calmed me down as my blood pressure was through the roof.”

Alas, Matthew’s money was gone, never to be reclaimed.

The police asked if he had any idea who nabbed his dosh, and Matthew told them: “Yes, it was pump number 2.”

Dog gone it

WE continue celebrating acronyms with a Scottish slant. Ian Gray from Croftamie recalls being late home because of an unavoidable work commitment, and his partner of the time’s response, which was neatly summed up as YTITD… Your Tea’s In The Dog.

(And, indeed, it was.)

Colour-coded calamity

A QUIRKY query from reader Craig Reynolds: “If a red ship collides with a blue ship, would both crews be marooned?”