Tuxedo tussle

MANY of our curious readers have been asking us this week if the Diary team ever fears an altercation of the Will Smith variety from a reader who is outraged by one of our little stories.

To which we respond, “Absolutely not,” because our humour is always intended to charm and disarm, never to harm. Or attract a slap from an angry bloke in a tuxedo.

Besides, the Diary team is safely sealed within its maximum security compound at the heart of Herald Towers. Reinforced concrete walls, barbed wire and a piranha fish infested moat protect us from our more ‘enthusiastic’ fans.

Of course, the page that our stories appear on in this newspaper also includes a photo of the Diary editor.

Does this mean the poor fellow is in danger of being recognised and manhandled on the street? (Or, more likely, the pub.)

Not in the least. For our crafty editor only leaves the house or office when in full disguise.

But let’s forget about feisty fisticuffs and turn our attention to fulsome fun. For once again it’s time to enjoy some of our classic yarns from the Diary archives.

And be comforted, gentle reader. You’ll not find any punch-ups, just punchlines.

Spellcheck

A CERTAIN record store in Dundee was legendary for the daft conversations between staff and customers. One customer, who couldn’t find what he wanted, asked if there were any other record shops nearby.

“HMV,” replied the assistant.

“How do you spell that?” asked the customer.

Explosive comment

A GLASGOW innovation manager was once at a meeting where the helpful instructor announced: “You can ask me anything, I’m a minefield of information.”

The innovation manager told us he was far too nervous to ask her anything… in case she blew up.

Boot from Boots

WE continue to enjoy subtly negative job references. A reader who was based in East Kilbride heard about a pharmacist employed by Boots who was rather keen to get rid of a young boy who worked for him. He gave him a reference that said ‘he dispensed with accuracy’.

Relatively speaking

THE late left-wing campaigner and politician Tony Benn once argued at the Edinburgh Book Festival against hereditary peers sitting in the House of Lords.

As Tony put it: “I wouldn’t be impressed if I went to a dentist and he said to me, ‘I’m not a dentist myself, but my father was a rather good one’.”

Lengthy break

A SUPPLY teacher told us he was covering for a fellow teacher who had gone off to have a baby. A first-year pupil asked him: “Is she on eternity leave?”

His reply of: “She probably wishes she was,” perhaps went over the youth’s head.

Magical miss

A YOUNG chap in a Glasgow pub was telling his pals that he had split up with his girlfriend because she was psychic. When they asked for an explanation, he told them: “She was seeing people behind my back.”