Tiff over tax

A POLITICIAN’S popularity is as brief and fleeting as the lifespan of a housefly, and not even a particularly healthy housefly. Probably one of those houseflies that never attends the gym and only eats fried food.

Rishi Sunak had his housefly moment. We loved his snappy dressing. His immaculate hair. The fact he wasn’t Boris Johnson.

Now the Not-Boris-Johnson-Man has seen his ratings plumet like a concrete yoyo.

It became public knowledge that his wife is exceedingly wealthy, and she intends on keeping that wealth in her well-guarded piggy bank, far away from the taxman.

The Sunaks are now as welcome as Mr and Mrs Macbeth at a couples weekend.

Unlike Rishi, the Diary’s approval ratings never slump. This is because we always pay what we owe the government. Luckily that’s never a hefty amount, for we base ourselves on the dark side of the moon for tax purposes.

We are generous in other areas too, often sharing classic tales from our vaults. Here’s a few to enjoy now…

Nose knows best

A READER was buying a muffin in a Glasgow coffee shop when the assistant took a deep sniff of the cake before putting it in a bag.

After savouring her sniff she proudly announced to our startled reader: “Ah’ve had a gastric band fitted – that’s the closest ah get tae cakes these days.”

Saucy secretary

A BORDERS businessman told us his pregnant secretary was going for a scan as there was the possibility of twins. When she returned to work he asked how the scan went.

“Fine, jist the yin,” she replied. “And the sex?” he asked, knowing she was keen on a daughter.

“Oh aye, he says ah can do it fur a bit yet,” came her unexpected answer.

Invisible eejit

IN a Glasgow company canteen, a worker told his colleagues: “I read recently that most companies deliberately employ one useless, incompetent, talentless idiot, just to boost office morale, focus the other employees and divert attention away from any management failings.

“What rubbish! I’ve looked around the whole office, and none of you fit that description.”

Cold comfort

A READER told us: “My wife left a note on the fridge. It said: ‘This isn’t working anymore. I’m at the end of my tether. I’m away to stay at my mother’s.’

“I opened the fridge. The light came on and the beer was cold. Nothing wrong with the fridge. Nae idea what she’s on about.”

Goodtime geezer

A GROUP of lads in a Glasgow pub were discussing a mutual friend who they all agreed was a bit slow on the uptake. Eventually one of them declared: “I was with him in a club when this young woman asked him to show her a good time. So he took out his holiday snaps from Ibiza.”

Impertinent pupil

A TEACHER told us she was desperate for the summer holidays a few years back after stopping two lads jostling in the school corridors whom she didn’t recognise and then asking them: “What year are you in?”

The braver of the two replied: “2012.”