What a card

THE Diary continues collecting evidence to prove our thesis that schools would run more efficiently without pupils.

Eddie Mackinnon in Alexandria knew a primary teacher named George. One day a student handed him a collection of Pokémon cards as he was leaving class. George asked the little fellow why he was offering this strange gift.

“Well sir,” said the boy, “as you keep taking the cards off other pupils in the class, I thought you were a Pokémon collector.”

The Monster Mash

MUSIC loving Jim Montgomery from Wemyss Bay is attending the HebCelt Festival in Stornaway this year, where many great singers, guitarists, fiddlers and perhaps even the odd bagpiper will be performing.

Though it’s not just about top tunes. There will also be some terrible terrors.

For Jim received an email publicising the event which offered an upgrade for ticket holders, stating: ‘We are once again offering our highly sought after Fiends Packs which have proven to be incredibly popular in previous years.’

A delighted Jim says: “Already sharpening my canines and growing my fingernails.”

Mysteriously missing mysteries

THE confused and agitated mother of reader Jennifer Walker admits she has no idea what happened to her prized collection of Agatha Christie novels.

A concerned Jennifer says: “Hopefully mum’s not lost her Marples.”

Ready and willing

THOUGHTFUL Russell Smith from Largs says the phrase ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way,’ might be okay for some.

“As for me,” adds Russell, “where there’s a will, I want to be in it.”

Amusing mouthy musing

THOUGHT for the day from reader Maggie Dunne: “If dentists make money from bad teeth, why should we use toothpaste that nine out of ten dentists recommend?”

Mollusc molested

A DIARY yarn about escargot puts fabled Glasgow comedian Andy Cameron in the mood for discussing the average Glaswegian’s fraught relationship with snails.

Says Andy: “There was a man in the sooside of Glesga who hated the sight and look of the poor wee creatures to the extent that one day he found one on his doorstep and took the despicable decision to boot it as far as he could into the distance. (It might have reached Fenwick.)

“About three months later he heard a noise at his door. When he opened it, there was the same wee escargot, who demanded: ‘Whit did ye dae that fur?’”

Moggie multiplication

PHYSICS teacher Don Lang gets in touch to ask us: “If a cat comes into contact with radiation does that mean it has eighteen half-lives?”