Keane / not keen

THE news that former Celtic and Manchester United midfielder Roy Keane is in the running for the Hibs manager job has delighted many of the club’s supporters.

And no wonder, says the Diary. For Roy is famed for his genial, relaxed and approachable manner. All that the cuddly Irishman needs to metamorphosise into Val Doonican is a cardigan and his very own rocking chair.

Which is why we are at a loss to comprehend what comedy actor and Hibs fan, Jack Docherty, is talking about when he sputters: “Roy Keane? Seriously? Is Tyson Fury not available? Tommy DeVito? Begbie?”

Sloshed scholar

OBSERVING a student imbibing a few crafty quenchers in a local hostelry, a Milngavie reader came up with the rhyme: “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila… floor.”

Definitely maybe

WE recently mentioned that popular Glasgow band Belle and Sebastian are rehearsing for an upcoming tour. This resulted in the group’s frontman, Stuart Murdoch, enjoying a friendly exchange with a workman.

“What do you do in there?” enquired the workman.

“We’re musicians,” explained Stuart. “We’re in a band.”

This information resulted in a lengthy pause from the workman, who eventually said encouragingly: “Maybe you’ll make it big one day. The next U2.”

Slightly less encouragingly, he added under his breath: “Doubt it.”

Toast boast

NEWSPAPER hacks are fabled for their hardboiled cynicism and talent for seeing through hype and spin. Which is why we are disappointed to learn of the confession made by a reporter on the West Lothian Courier named Liam Smillie, who says: “When I was wee, my mam told me that my great granny, Goldie, invented the recipe for toast and cheese, and I believed her up until the age of about ten.”

The newspaperman adds in his defence: “Huge if true, to be fair.”


PHILOSOPHICALLY minded reader Rob Walton says: “Always remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents. Accidents in the backseat cause kids.”

Clear as crystal

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. Brian Higgins from Clydebank recalls an elderly chap strolling into a city centre pharmacy and politely asking the assistant for some crystal meth.

Shocked, she explained that she was unable to supply such ‘medication’. She then asked why he needed it.

"Ah've goat an awfy blocked-up nose, hen," he replied.

At which point she twigged, and sent him home happy with some menthol crystals.

Driven to distraction

MOTORING enthusiast Maurice Wright says: “Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an imbecile, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”