Mindful miss

THE wife of Diary correspondent David Donaldson is a woman of great visual talents, being a fashion designer and painter.

Though when it comes to linguistic prowess, she’s firmly in the surrealist genre.

A few days ago David reminded her that the deadline was approaching to decide whether they should extend a trip to Crete by three or four days.

To which David’s wife responded: "I've decided not to think about it until I've made up my mind."


FOLLOWING a recent Diary yarn about a parrot with an umbrella, reader Katherine Hutchison gets in touch to inform us that we need to publish definitions involving the talkative tropical birds.

She suggests:

1) Polygon – the parrot has left the building.

2) Polythene – I have thpotted the parrot that left the building.

Dead influential

PHILOSOPHICAL reader Jim Hamilton wonders: “How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?”

Getting shirty

AN old adage claims that a fool and his money are easily parted. Which could be made more pertinent by stating that a foolish footy fan and his money are even easier parted.

At least that’s how the Diary explains the curious case of the unidentified buyer who paid £7.1m for a grubby old shirt once worn by Diego Maradona in some kickabout with England back in 1986.

Crazy money, especially when you can buy a new shirt at Primark, minus the sweat stains, for a few quid less.

Reader Oliver Barns is curious to know if there’s any Scottish football memorabilia that could be offloaded for a similar sum as the Maradona shirt. “Someone would surely pay a hefty slice of dosh for the Archie Gemmill compass,” he says. “You know, the one he used to navigate his way through a sea of Dutchmen in 1978.”

Stumbling stones

WHEN reader Jennifer Waite informed her 10-year-old son they were visiting Stonehenge on holiday, he looked slightly concerned before asking: “What happens if I accidentally lean against one of the stones? Will they all fall down like dominoes?”

Bony bumble

Madcap malapropisms, continued. Comedian Andy Cameron recalls that back in the 1970s, in the Albany Hotel, the Glasgow chairman of a well known insurance company delivered a speech thanking his assembled clients for their support, and started by saying: “We never forget that you are the breastbone of our business.”

Dog disappoints

DISAPPOINTED Gavin Lynn says: “I took my stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow. Didn’t fetch much.”

Read more: Does this killer comment put your mind at ease?