Pitch-perfect puppet

KERMIT the Frog celebrated his 67th birthday this week. Duglas T. Stewart, the frontman with Scottish indie band BMX Bandits, views the elderly puppet as a role model and one of his favourite singers.

“Terence Trent D’Arby once compared my singing to Kermit,” reveals Duglas. “I took it as a great compliment.”

Future film

DIARY readers are an inspiration and aspirational bunch, who are never content to look upon this fallen world of ours and accept the unseemly flaws they see before them.

No. They work tirelessly to forge a future utopia that the many nations of the world can enjoy together, in glorious and everlasting harmony.

This passion for improvement has, of late, led our correspondents to start lopping letters from movie titles in order to suggest even better movies that could have been filmed instead.

Today, David Donaldson demands that Hollywood make a flick about a frustrated, elderly Herald Diary correspondent, living in a divisive and woke world.

This heartrending cinematic offering would, of course, be titled… No Country For Old Me.

Food for thought

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. Comedy great Andy Cameron gets in touch to tell us about his elderly aunty Isa, who took 12-year-old Andy to a tea room in Glasgow as a treat.

Andy’s granny later said to this kindly woman: “Did he eat aw his dinner?”

To which the reply came: “Couldn’t believe it, mother. When I looked, there wasn’t a mortal left on his plate.”

More birdbrained badinage

WE’RE listing the prodigious activities of parrots. John Mulholland suggests Polyps: An additional thought added to a letter by a parrot.

Fatty fitness regime

LUNCHING with chums, Jane Burdon found herself in a Glasgow kebab joint, where one of the delights offered on the menu was something called a ‘doner gym box’.

This intrigued our reader, who had never previously known of the connection between athleticism and hunks of meat dripping fat on a skewer.

Willing to go along with this fanciful notion, Jane believes she has the perfect marketing slogan for this section of the fast food industry.

She suggests: Tighten Up Your Abs, With Greasy Kebabs

Wheely good idea

BAFFLED by the wacky ways of the world, reader Jim Hamilton asks: “How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?”

Mystery moniker

“I USED to go out with a girl called Sue Denim,” says reader Martin Randall. “Then I discovered that wasn’t her real name.”