Our town

THE Diary congratulates Dunfermline on being awarded city status by the Queen this week, though without trying to diminish this momentous decision, we admit finding it strange that Her Majesty can just announce a city into existence.

Surely there should be some sort of objective criteria for such a designation. A city should have its own cathedral, for starters. A smattering of skyscrapers would also go down a treat, plus at least one impressively convoluted motorway belching out tangy carbon monoxide for city-dwellers to savour.

But, no. If the Queen says it’s a city… it’s a city.

Perhaps one day she’ll confer city status on her favourite Corgi. Better yet, she could give the honour to the Diary.

For as the following tales from our archives prove, we’re a bustling burg, home to many energetic residents who are always up to something intriguing …

Liquid launch

A READER was in a bargain emporium in Glasgow when her partner picked up a thermal cup in the gadget section and turned it over to see the price tag on the bottom.

“Unfortunately coffee poured out,” says our reader. “Only then did he notice a guy standing next to him, glaring… it was his coffee.

“He’d just that second put it down to look at something, and was no doubt a little surprised to see a stranger strolling over to dump the contents on the floor.”

Liquid launch 2

WHEN he was a young man, one of our readers worked in a Yorkshire tyre depot.

He was warned that under no circumstances was he to use the stainless steel bucket kept in a cupboard.

Our reader says: “I wondered why, until a Guinness tanker came in to have tyres fitted. Out came the bucket, round to the big hose connection at the back. When we finished that lunchtime, it was Guinness all round.”

Room reminder

A YOUNG Glasgow chap was heard telling his pal, who asked how his hotel job was going, that he had got off with a warning when a guest came up to his desk and asked: “Excuse me, but I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”

“That’s okay, sir,” the young chap had replied: “You’re in the hotel lobby.”

Initial surprise

A FRIEND of a reader is a great cricket fan, and has a stack of three mail trays on his office desk labelled ‘In’ ‘Out’ and ‘LBW’.

When anyone asks what LBW stand for, he tells them: “Let the b******s wait.”

Religious experience

AN EDINBURGH reader took his mum out for Sunday lunch where she glanced across at another table before telling him: “Isn’t it lovely to see people praying before their food arrives?”

He didn’t have the heart to tell her that the couple were both looking down at their smart phones while texting.

Pub patter

“MY new girlfriend could stop traffic,” said a chap in a Glasgow boozer to his pals.

“Bit of a looker is she?” piped up one drinking buddy.

“Naw,” the chap replied. “She’s a lollipop lady.”