A WORRYING study just published has warned that by the year 2040 there will be 42 million overweight people in the UK.

The Diary was deeply saddened by this unhealthy prediction, and we cried many tears of sorrow whilst frantically phoning our stock market trader to advise him to invest our entire portfolio of shares in firms that make chocolate bars, elastic-waisted trousers and mobility scooters.

Still, there’s some good news for those of a portly persuasion. It would seem that doughty, doughy people will still be plodding the earth in great numbers for years to come.

Forget Darwin’s cockamamie theory – evolution is about the survival of the fattest.

Bryce Drummond, from Kilmarnock, certainly believes this to be true. Evidence was provided during a recent holiday.

“My wife and I used to enjoy visiting street-side cafes to people-watch,” says Bryce.

“Now we wobble-watch.”

Trust issues

WE’RE discussing the very revealing stationary holders that office workers keep on their desks. Reader Liam McGuigan once worked with a chap who was a personnel manager with bookmaker Ladbrokes.

This bloke must have instilled a lot of confidence in anyone he arranged a meeting with, for the three mail trays on his desk were labelled:




Gravity falls

SCIENTIFICALLY savvy reader Albert Harris says: “Gravity is one of the fundamental forces in the universe. But if you remove it you get... gravy.”

Mind your language

SITTING in a cafe in Aviemore a few years ago, John Robertson overheard two middle-aged ladies chatting at the next table.

Like our correspondent, they had been out for an energetic stroll and were now eager to enjoy their repast.

“I’m not sure whether one of them was trying to tell her pal that she was ravenous or famished,” recalls John.

What the woman ended up saying was: “I’m absolutely ravished.“

Micro masterpiece

OUR creative correspondents continue lopping letters from movie titles to suggest better pictures that could have been filmed instead.

Gordon McRae would be very interested in watching an Oscar-worthy flick about a smarty-pants scientist who masters the discipline involved in manipulating atomic particles.

The movie would be titled… The Ion King.

Burnt by neighbours

SAFETY conscious Edinburgh comedian Martin Bearne wonders: “Can you call the fire brigade if you smell fire and it’s a barbecue you were not invited to?”

Stripes for sale

THOUGHT for the day from reader Linda Smith: “If you’re not allowed to buy zoo animals, why do zebras have barcodes?”