More monkeying around

LIKE everyone else, the Diary is concerned about the arrival of monkeypox. Thankfully it hasn’t so far proved anywhere near as dangerous as a certain other contagion the human race has been forced to deal with.

Brian Wadham from Erskine, however, is worried that something far worse could be on its way, such as… Gorillapox.

“Or perhaps,” he adds, “bowler-hatted men of a certain persuasion might catch Orangupox.”

Dog called Sooty

OUR correspondents continue lopping letters from movie titles, thereby suggesting better films that could have been made instead.

David Donaldson would like to watch a flick about an entrepreneurial fellow who makes his fortune by training wire-haired terriers to clean chimneys.

Such a blockbuster would, of course, be titled… Lumdog Millionaire.

Cup runneth over

ENJOYING a quicky quencher at the nineteenth hole of his local golf club, Alastair Brooks from Dundee overheard the club bore, known for his chauvinistic comments, chatting to a pal.

Said this fellow: “I’ve got a new girlfriend. Hopefully we’ll tie the knot someday.”

“Oh?” said the pal.

“She’s got a fake gold tan and huge, sticky-out ears,” added the first chap.

His friend commiserated.

“On the contrary,” beamed the chauvinist, “I’m delighted. I’ve always wanted a trophy wife.”

Flirting with disaster

AN inspirational thought from reader Jim Hamilton, who says: “I want to be eighteen again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.”


DUBLIN-based Gordon Swift is a long-time fan of a certain rugged rocker who happens to have been Born in the USA.

When Gordon discovered his musical hero would be playing Dublin next year, he sent an email to a pal with an attachment that stated: ‘Bruce Springsteen announces 2023 Dublin dates.’

His pal emailed back: “There’s no way they’ll allow Bruce to play that many dates.”

Relatively speaking

ON Scottish social media one young lady, who has struggled with addiction issues, fondly recalls her grandmother, who died recently.

She says: “I keep thinking, at least my gran got to see me sober. Then I think about how she didn’t really understand the concept. When I told her I was eighteen months in recovery, she said: ‘You deserve a brandy for that, hen.’”

Stolen moment

WE end on a violent note, with this gag from reader Eleanor Dean…

A chap walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams: “Give me all your money or you’re geography.”

Puzzled, the teller says: “Don’t you mean history?”

“Don’t change the subject,” screeches the robber.