WHEN it comes to cultural clout, the Diary can’t be topped. Perhaps a gala performance of Shakespearian monologues, recited by Tyson Fury, would come close. But little else.

To prove our rarefied position in the creative community, we are now going to discuss, for the second time, Love Island, the dating show for Blighty’s shy and retiring youth.

One of this year’s contestants is Gemma Owen, daughter of former English footie star, Michael.

Gemma is an outdoorsy gal, who competes in dressage, which she describes as “horse dancing”.

Reader Deborah Ryan’s hubby, watching Love Island with the missus, was impressed by this admission.

“I wonder if she can make a horse do the Michael Jackson moonwalk?” he mused aloud.

Relatively speaking

ALBERT Einstein famously came up with the Theory Of Relativity, which is far too simple and obvious for us to bother explaining here.

Instead, we prefer to advance the scientific quest for knowledge and enlightenment by proposing a brand-spanking new Theory Of Relativity, which is introduced to the world by Ian Noble, from Carstairs Village, who overheard two local lads chatting in a pub in Lairg.

The first bloke remarked that he hadn’t seen the second bloke’s brother for months.

“Sure now,” replied the second bloke. “He is away working down south in Inverness.”

Wool gathering

AN East Dunbartonshire reader was chatting to an Aberdonian chum about the Congressional inquiry allegation that Donald Trump, on failing to secure a second presidential term, attempted to mount a coup.

The Aberdonian fellow thought about this for a moment. Then he said that if Donald was that way inclined, it would have been easier for him to become better acquainted with a sheep, for at least the wool would have given him something to grab hold of…

Regal rogue

IF you thought it impossible to improve upon the above story when it comes to deep and meaningful political analysis… you ain’t seen nothing yet.

For reader Derek Service tells us he saw The Lion King at the Edinburgh Playhouse, and he’s thrilled to discover a sequel is in the works, starring Boris Johnson.

“It’s called The Lyin’ B******,” adds Derek.

Hot and bothered

A DISCUSSION about synthetic materials in the Diary inspires Russell Smith, from Largs, to ask: “If a plastic surgeon stood too close to a fire, is there a chance he might melt?”

Grim glug

A LIQUID laugh from reader Tom Barton, who asks, “What do you call a sad cup of coffee?”

The answer is, of course: “Depresso.”