Stripped for action

THE scandalised Diary finds itself reaching for the smelling salts as we swoon, in a most elegant fashion, onto a nearby divan.

For Gilbert MacKay from Newton Mearns has assaulted our sense of propriety by getting in touch to say: “I wonder if I’m the only reader of the Diary who has taken off all their clothes in Liz Truss's old school.”

We brace ourselves for further sordid revelations, as Gilbert adds: “This isn’t because I’m an ‘attention seeker’, to use the latest of Liz’s favoured phrases. It's because Roundhay was used as a changing room for cross-country races in Leeds when I ran for Bury Athletic Club.”

(Thank goodness for that. For an uncomfortable moment we thought we’d have to stamp today’s Diary with an X-Rated certificate.)

Bottoming out

WE’RE learning about the strange uses that are made of old copies of The Herald. Which reminds Russell Smith from Largs of a letter sent to the editor of one of our vastly inferior competitors, informing him that the writer was currently seated on his thunder box, and that the said ‘rag’ was at present in front of him, but would shortly be behind him…

That’s rich

AMBITIOUS reader Scott Kennedy asked seven millionaires: "What's the secret to your success?"

“They all said the same thing,” reveals Scott. "How did you get into my mansion?"

Doubts about digits

CONFUSED reader Samantha Wilson points out: “Fingers have fingertips, but toes don’t have toetips. Yet you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.”

Knuckling down

THE ever erudite Diary has been adding numerous leather-bound volumes to our vast and cavernous library.

If this continues we’ll have to advise our Chief Librarian, Big Shug, that he will have to learn to read, thus allowing him to properly catalogue the books on our shelves.

(The only work of literary merit he has so far shown any interest in perusing involves the letters L.U.R.V. and H.A.T.E, which are tattooed in blood-red ink on his hairy knuckles.)

Meanwhile, Diary correspondent Gordon Casely has another suggestion for a tome to add to our collection…

Low Doors by esteemed Japanese author Min Yaheid.


WE continue describing classic films in the most boring way possible. Joy Fraser suggests: ‘Young girl breaks in new pair of shoes during lengthy stroll.’

The movie is, of course… The Wizard of Oz.

Mastication masterplan

ENTREPRENEURIAL John Grant says: “I'm looking to start my own business recycling discarded chewing gum. I just need some help getting it off the ground.”