Cracking whips

IT’S often argued that flying is safer than any other form of travel. Which is true. Though only if you add the proviso that the pilots in charge of the plane must stay awake.

This was not the case during a recent Ethiopian Airlines flight, where the two airheads at the controls enjoyed a relaxing snooze 37,000 feet above Addis Ababa Bole Airport.

Luckily the autopilot set off an alarm, waking them so they could land the plane.

The Diary assures our readers that none of our team ever nods off, night or day.

This is because the forward-thinking Diary editor hired a bunch of chaps with whips to sting us into motion whenever we appear weary or lacklustre. Obviously this leads to a secondary problem. What to do if the whip wielders grow tired?

Thankfully this situation rarely arises as the editor also hired blokes with cattle prods to jab the whip-hands into alertness.

All of the above helps explain why we continue to provide copy of such high quality, including the following classic tales from our archives…

Exam scam

A LECTURER told us he was at a planning meeting on future exams where a fellow member of staff produced a new set of guidance notes for students explaining what would constitute plagiarism. When she was asked if they took long to draw up, she explained: “No, I just copied them from another colleague’s website.”

Driven to distraction

PASSENGERS on Glasgow buses tend to show great gratitude to their drivers. A Cambuslang reader once travelled into Glasgow on a bus where one woman was so profuse in thanking the driver that the exasperated fellow finally said: “It’s alright, really. I was going this way anyway.”

Grey (doesn’t) matter

AN Ayrshire reader recalled working in the mines when they faced closure, so he called in at his local police station and informed the desk sergeant he had “half a mind to become a police officer.”

“Aye son,” replied the sergeant, “that’s about all you’ll need to join the force.”

Cash or King

A READER told us Radio Clyde were running a competition to win either a £100 shopping voucher or two tickets to see an Elvis tribute act.

Said our reader: “I didn’t know whether to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.”

Wally meets wall

DEALING with hecklers is a handy skill to obtain if you’re a performer. We recall the late folk singer and raconteur, Danny Kyle, who admonished a noisy bloke in his audience by saying: “Sit against the wa’ – that’s plastered tae.”

Italian for beginners

A Scottish student returned home from holidaying in Rome and announced he’d seen the Spanish Steps.

“Is that a tribute band?” one pal asked.

Read more: Sound the pipes – Campbell's a-coming