A wrongun

ROCK stars. You can’t trust them. When they aren’t inflicting unspeakable damage to their own bodies, via the medium of illicit substances, they are inflicting unspeakable damage to the ear drums of the public, via the medium of electric guitar.

Though not all of them are disreputable. The Diary has always assumed that Stuart Murdoch, frontman with Glasgow band Belle & Sebastian, is a sensitive soul.

Though perhaps not…

Leaving the house this week, he said bye to his kids. As he was wearing earplugs he didn’t hear them trill sweetly in return: “Bye!” and “Love you!”

When his nine-year-old realised this, he dismissively turned to Stuart’s wife and sighed: “Boy, did you marry the wrong guy.”

Trash talk

IN Edinburgh the bin men remain on strike and pungent piles of garbage totter skywards, threatening to overshadow the nearby medieval gang-hut perched on top of volcanic rock.

Jennifer Kennedy from Morningside says: “Does this finally explain why they’re called refuse collectors – because they refuse to collect?”

Biting humour

WITH a clothes peg attached to our nose, the Diary remains in Auld Reekie, where local comedian Liam Withnail is performing at the Fringe.

It’s an inspiring experience. “Have I had the perfect Fringe?” muses Liam. “No. But have I improved as a performer and a person? Not at all. But have I given my all for my audience and my art? Not even slightly. But have I had dinner at Kurdish Best Kebab House six times? Yes. Yes I have.”

Testing phone call

SCHOOL pupils recently received exam results. Which reminds Moira Campbell of a telephone conversation she once overheard at teacher training college .

A third-year student was saying: “Mum, I got merit. Mum? Mum? Oh, hi Dad.”

Dad must have said something along the lines of: “What do you mean you got married? Your mum’s in a state of shock.”

To which the exasperated student responded: “Not merrit, Dad. MERIT. In my exams.”

Rough justice

WE continue discussing that rough stuff for a botty buff … IZAL loo roll.

When reader Keith Sanger was younger all government departments, including the NHS, were issued with exceedingly harsh toilet paper. “Probably made by IZAL,” says Keith, “though the only logo on each sheet was 'Government Property'.

He adds: “You were never sure whether to flush it after use or send it to Parliament. Though I suppose there’s already enough s*** there.”

Lisping logic

INQUISITIVE reader Christine McElroy asks: “If sloths moved faster would they be called faths?”

Read more: In a crush with crashing bores