Rolling costs

THE ever-resourceful Diary has decided to address the cost of living crisis by cowering under the bed and hoping it will all go away. No, wait. That’s how the Government is dealing with the situation. We’re being much more dynamic and proactive.

For example, Maurice Cooper suggests: “Head down to your local pet shop and purchase a hippopotamus to ensure future energy savings.”

Our ingenious reader explains: “You’ll immediately save on electricity bills by no longer needing to plug in your iron. Instead, encourage the hippo to roll over your clothes once a day. (Though make sure you’re not in your clothes at the time.)”

Nearly Nic

THE death of Mikhail Gorbachev is commemorated on social media by the SNP’s Callum Bruce, who writes: “Mr Gorbachev was a giant of geopolitics, respected around the globe – very much the Nicola Sturgeon of his day.”

(P.S. Callum Bruce is a parody account. Though sometimes it’s impossible to tell.)

Baby? Maybe

CONVIVIAL Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie bumped into his wife's friend at the supermarket. Returning home, he informed the missus that her chum had shown him a picture of her new grandchild on her phone.

"Oh great," trilled Malcolm’s wife enthusiastically. “What did she have?"

“An iPhone 13," replied Malcolm with equal enthusiasm.

Hot metal

THE conversations that are overheard in the boulevards of Glasgow’s West End are invariably très chic. Local resident Deedee Cuddihy heard one chap of pensionable age remark to another: "The heat when I got off the plane at Bordeaux airport! It reminded me of the time I was at art school and got a summer job in the steel works in Motherwell."

Boozy broadcasting

TELLY addicts can now watch their favourite programmes at any time of the day and in any condition of dishevelment, claims Martin Morrison from Lochinver.

“Just tune into All Fours,” he says. “The UK’s most popular streaming service for drunks.”

The Full Ponty

IN the Radio Times, Welsh warbler Tom Jones admits loving a certain sitcom which provides many a comedy cackle for a chap with Celtic blood. Though it’s not a show set in the valleys of his homeland, but Alba’s very own Two Doors Down.

“All of the characters in it, although they’re Scottish, could be Welsh,” marvels Tom. “They’re all there: my Auntie Alice, my old Pontypridd neighbours…”

Maybe the show should change its name to Pontypridd on Clyde. Auntie Alice would certainly approve.

Brought to book

“I’M reading a book about Henry Ford,” says reader Jeremy Brown. “It’s an autobiography.”

Read more: Want to ease the costs of living crisis? Step outside ...