Face facts

A TRULY glorious era has ended. Boris Johnson is no longer the nation’s wise and beneficent leader.

The Diary’s concerned readers understandably find themselves tossing and turning of a night, worrying how the ebullient blond blighter will fill his hours, now he’s no longer got all that thumb-twiddling to do in Number 10 Downing Street. (Let lesser politicians proceed with number crunching. BoJo’s forte was always biscuit crunching.)

Catherine Bentley suggests Boris could get work as a model.

“He could be photographed for a campaign for this winter’s economic Armageddon,” explains Catherine. “The slogan underneath a photo of Boris’s tousled and bumbling image would be: ‘Bemused… Confused… Feeling Abused. Look Upon the Face of Modern Britain.’”

Hair of dog

WE recently mentioned a reader whose son had an embarrassing experience while ordering a drink. Which reminds Susan Baird from Paisley of the time her two sisters-in-law were trying to appear sophisticated to impress some chaps. When asked what they wanted to drink, one of the cosmopolitan gals replied: “Two Jack Russells and a Diet Coke.”

Astonishingly the fellow wasn’t put off by the femme fatale’s foolish faux pas. He ended up marrying her.

Taking the pith

ROMANTIC reader Andrew Price once went on a blind date. During the meal in a restaurant, the lady who he’d just met asked him to describe himself in three words.

“Lazy,” said Andrew, and left it at that.

Egg-stremely confusing

BAMBOOZLED reader Belinda Davis gets in touch to say: “Eggs don’t taste of chicken and chicken doesn’t take like eggs. At what point does the chicken flavour get added?”

Rhyme time

WE continue discussing IZAL, the once-popular toilet paper that was as rough as Liz Truss is no doubt feeling this morning, after celebrating yesterday’s Tory leadership victory.

As we mentioned before, the loo roll used to have poetry written on the sheets, such as the following ditty unearthed by David Donaldson, which was published during wartime…

Hitler now screams with impatience,

Our good health is proving a strain;

May he and his Axis relations,

Soon find themselves down the drain.

Lib Liz

PUN-LOVING Fife comedian Richard Pulsford says: “I've been given some old Liberal Democrat in-house magazines, and it seems one of the Tory leadership candidates used to be a party member, so now I have Truss issues.”

Food for thought

DAFT gag time. “What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?” asks Roderick Archibald Young. “The black eyed peas will sing us a song whereas the chickpeas will only hummus one.”