WE continue wincing over mistakes that occur while ordering booze. Grant MacKenzie from Bearsden was in a London bar when he was served an umbrella-topped white cocktail, garnished with a slice of pineapple and two maraschino cherries.

Now, it’s true that Grant spoke rapidly when ordering, and he didn’t enunciate his words clearly enough for the Portuguese barman, who may never have heard a Glasgow accent before.

Nevertheless, our reader was still surprised when his ‘pintalager’ morphed into a pina colada.

Button it

THE Scottish nation continues to celebrate the coronation of the new Queen of Downing Street. River City actor Sanjeev Kohli says: “Liz Truss has now been trusted with the nuclear button. I honestly wouldn’t trust her with the bossa nova button on a broken Yamaha keyboard.”

Bum deal

TOILET tittle-tattle, continued. Ken Johnson was attending an interview for a job with a government organisation. At one point he went to the toilet where he noticed that each sheet of the hard, shiny paper on the roll bore the words ‘Government Property’.

Our reader concluded that this statement required some extra information.

So on the next 10 sheets he wrote: ‘For Official Bums Only.’

The wanderer

VISITING a pub, reader Matt Pointon overheard a chap at a nearby table say to his pal: “It’s pure keech that bein’ an explorer isnae a proper job anymore. It’d be great tae be a professional meanderer.”

Bum deal 2

SEVERAL years ago the late mother of Peter McMenemy from Milngavie was in a Glasgow city centre church when she was approached by an elderly lady looking to buy religious artefacts from the repository. Which led her to say in a most beatific fashion: "Excuse me, hen, but can you tell me where the suppository is?"

A-doorable BoJo

NOW that Boris Johnson is no longer PM, our charitable readers are suggesting new and exciting employment opportunities for our favourite burly and bombastic blond-haired blighter.

Kate Mason says: “Boris isn’t exactly known for his ceaseless energy and dynamism. Nevertheless he could solve the heating problems of at least one family this winter, who could use him as a draft-excluder, with his slumped and slumbering body heaped up against the front door.”

Our reader adds: “Considering Boris’s fabled mental acuity, I suppose he should actually be called a daft-excluder.”

Leaf grief

MORE financial woes. Reader Gareth Warrillow reveals his new business Cooking With Spices has failed to get off the ground.

“The bank’s decided to call in the bay leaves,” he sighs.