SIR Keir Starmer is a politician who knows all the angles. That’s because the angles are on his face… and they’re all right angles.
In other words, Sir Keir has a disconcertingly square-shaped bonce. In a certain light he looks like a dice topped-off by a Tony Curtis quiff.
His face isn’t the only thing that’s square about the former lawyer. He has a square way of talking, walking, entering a room, making a speech and conducting a TV interview.
Being a dull chap hasn’t prevented Sir Keir’s Labour Party from storming into a 33-point lead in the opinion polls.
It seems that in our jittery world of wobbly policies and woeful outcomes, boring is best. And staid, stolid Starmer is a rising star.
This situation terrifies the Diary, for we’ve always provided our readers with drama and glamour in abundance.
Will our faithful acolytes now abandon us? Hopefully not.
Though the following classic tales from our archives prove, yet again, that we’re just too darned entertaining for our own good.
Funny peculiar
A BEAUTY-LOVING reader was visiting a hairdresser in Glasgow’s East End when a local popped in for a chat and told the hairdresser she had spotted her at a funeral the previous week.
Recalling the occasion, the hairdresser commented: “When I go, I’m going to have a funeral like that, with a humanist.”
The local lady seemed a bit puzzled before she replied: “I didn’t think he was that funny.”
Bog awful comment
LOOPY line alert. A girl came out of a Glasgow store and told her pal: “I almost wet myself when I read what someone had written on a door in there.”
“What was it?” asked her pal, an expectant smile already forming on her lips.
“Toilet closed,” she replied.
Breaktime broken
A FREELANCE worker discussing days off told us: “There is, of course, Bank Holiday Monday. Or as we self-employed call it… Monday.”
Hard to swallow
A READER was in a pet shop when a youngster came in and pestered his mum to let him have a pet mouse. Mum resisted and told him: “Billy would end up eating it.”
“Is that your cat?” asked the shop owner.
“No,” replied the little one. “It’s my brother.”
Boxing clever
A THIRSTY reader enjoying a beer in the West End was impressed by the comeback when one pretentious chap declared to those around him: “I don’t even watch television.”
This was trumped by another chap putting on a puzzled face and asking: “What’s television?”
Status anxiety
A STIRLINGSHIRE reader feared it was only a matter of time before the wedding vows in church end with the minister saying: “I now pronounce you husband and wife… you may now update your Facebook status.”
Read more from the Diary: Recalling the Gordon Brown blues
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