IT was one of those typical dreich, downpourish and doom-laden Glasgow afternoons, and reader Paula Johnson found herself in a west end clothes boutique when a pale, red-haired woman walked in, huddled beneath an umbrella.
“Oh,” said the rather unobservant sales assistant. “Is it raining outside?”
“Not at all,” replied the sarky customer. “I’m fair-skinned and burn easily. That’s why I’m carrying this parasol.”
Mind your language
WATCHING television with her husband last week, reader Katie Dale tuned into the Parliamentlive channel, which was reporting on future options for UK energy policy.
The words across the bottom of the TV screen read ‘Fracking Urgent Question’.
Katie’s hubby harrumphed tetchily, and said: “I know it’s an urgent question, but there’s no need to swear about it.”
Wedded bliss… ters
CYNICAL reader John Murry gets in touch to explain long-term relationships to us: “Marriage can be summed up as one person forgetting where they put something and the other accusing them of throwing it out.”
Wisdom tooth
NEVER argue with children. They invariably win. Reader Laura Malpas’s son was complaining to her that his life as a 12-year-old is harsh and unforgiving.
Laura countered with the claim that being an adult is a far greater struggle, what with all the cares and responsibilities associated with maturity.
“I’ve got plenty of responsibilities too,” claimed the argumentative youth. “I pulled out a shoogly tooth last week, and I had to do it all on my own.”
Liar, liar
SHOWING absolutely no sensitivity to the tastes of our thrill-seeking readership, we continue describing famous novels in the most underwhelming way possible.
Steven Williams suggests: “Daydreaming young bloke living in a boring town does nothing with his life.”
The classic tome being referred to is the Keith Waterhouse page-turner... Billy Liar.
Spy not spry
FILM buff Tony Hodge notes that the very first James Bond movie came out 60 years ago.
“Which means the British spy must be an exceedingly elderly gent in the year 2022,” says Tony, who adds: “I’m looking forward to the next flick in the blockbuster franchise, when Bond will swagger into a swanky Monaco casino (Well, he’ll try to swagger, while manipulating his Zimmer frame), He’ll then raise a fuzzy grey eyebrow and mutter to the casino bartender. ‘Horlicks, please. Shaken, not stirred.’”
Colourful quirk
FEELING rather blue about a recent medical pronouncement, Bob Fox tells us: “I just found out I’m colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.”
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