Dress to impress

WE mentioned Halloween is looming like a great big looming thing. (Sorry, that wasn’t a very good simile. The Diary’s Simile Department is on strike at the moment as they believe management treat the Metaphor Department better than them. Which is ridiculous. We adore our simile team, who are as wonderful as… as… Okay, we’ll get back to you on that.)

Anyway: Halloween.

Beth Woolson once attended a Halloween party. The stipulation was that fancy dress costumes should involve absolutely no effort whatsoever.

One chap arrived looking much like he usually did. Though he explained that he hadn’t combed his hair before arriving.

“So you see,” he concluded triumphantly, “I’ve come as Boris Johnson.”

Go west

VISITING a pal in Glasgow’s east end, Martin Callaghan spotted a rainbow in the sky. Pointing to the glorious sight, he said to his chum: “Look! What a great rainbow.”

His pal, refusing to glance skywards, said: “Nae rainbows round these parts. Cannae afford ’em. You’ll have tae go up west tae get yersel a rainbow.”

Money matters

SCOTTISH nationalism throws up a series of intriguing opportunities (or obstacles, depending on which side of the great debate you’re furiously shaking your first from).

For instance, what name should Scotia give its own currency?

Listeners to the Off the Ball radio show have been considering this thorny (thistly?) issue, with one genius arriving at a suitable suggestion, advising it be called the Tillicoultry.

Why?

It’s near sterling, of course.

Dates with plates

“THE trouble with living alone,” sighs reader Steve Metcalf, “is it’s always my turn to do the dishes.”

Flower power

CALLANDER-BASED bookshop owner and novelist Sally Evans recalls a mighty relative with a not so mighty moniker.

Says Sally: “My great uncle Chris – who was six foot two, strong as an ox, and cut kerb stones in a quarry for a living – wasn't expected to survive birth. Rather than name a frail baby after a family member, they hastily christened him Chrysanthemum.”

Biting remark

MORE fond memories of Robbie Coltrane, who was, of course, a larger-than-life chap in every way.

Actor Robert Lindsay once introduced him to the Hollywood star Dom DeLuise, also a big-boned fella.

The two men looked at each other approvingly, then said: “Let’s do lunch.”

Train of thought

EDUCATION can a be a struggle for some scholars, notes reader Bev Lambert. “In school I was rubbish at Latin,” she blushingly admits. “I actually thought 'in loco parentis' meant 'my dad's a train driver'.”

Read more from the Diary: When Robbie Coltrane was cooler than Tom Cruise...