MY fellow Conservatives,

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted …

By now you’ll all have had time to reflect on your gross error of judgment in ditching me and choosing Liz as my successor. I mean absolutely no disrespect to the former Prime Minister, who has been a friend of me and my families for many years, but quite clearly she had ventured somewhat off the reservation.

I know some of you thought I was not quite possessed of all my marbles either. However, unlike the Greek ones (which are going nowhere any time soon!) my marbles are all fully intact.

However, I pledge not to hold this against any of you. That said, my right honourable friend Jacob Rees-Mogg, who will be chief of my new State Security Bureau, is compiling a list of those who clearly have some explaining to do. If your name is on that inventory you may be invited to Central Office where a basement has been prepared for some covert one-to-ones. Please bear this in mind when casting your vote for the leadership.

Obviously, being a man of humility and self-examination, I’ve had to reflect on my own behaviours when I was in office and can assure you that I’ve been doing some thinking about what changes I need to make.

I’ve learned my lessons about failing to maintain standards in public life and so there will be no more feasances from me, mal or otherwise. I’m thus proposing to re-calibrate the Parliamentary Standards Committee so that it becomes more outward-facing and uplifting in character.

I’ve thought for a while now that this committee, which is intrinsic to the way we hold ourselves, has had a tendency to focus disproportionately on the negative instead of accentuating the positive. Rather than always condemning bad standards we should be acknowledging and rewarding good standards.

MPs are under so much pressure legislating and making judgments – some of them Diocletian – long into the night that they are more vulnerable than most to be menaced – like Sinbad the Sailor – by the trade-winds of human error.

We ought to salute those who pay their taxes and refuse to falsify their expenses or who honestly declare their financial interests in foreign military hardware companies or energy cartels. Only by first exposing sin to the redemptive light of salvation should we then be in a position to turn a blind eye to it.

Similarly, those who have avoided temptation and gone through an entire party conference without harassing anyone or getting howling with the drink should also be acknowledged. I think this more enlightened and progressive system of reward rather than punishment will help drive up standards in public life.

Before I was so abruptly ejected from office I managed to source a copy of the Chief Whip’s Little Black Book with which he manages to keep you lot in line (say no more; a nudge is as good as a wink to a blind man). Let’s just say that in the course of my confinement this little black book has increased in volume somewhat. Basically, you’re all in it now.

On a lighter note, Carrie and I have found a buyer for the gold leaf wallpaper that we stripped from our flat at Number Ten. Carrie suggested I autograph each roll to increase their value and so a boat-load of this weapons-grade Anaglypta is currently en-route to the splendid House of Saud.

Ladies and gentlemen, today I put myself at your disposal with a plan for our economic recovery. Obviously we can’t keep borrowing: my short-lived predecessor and her even-shorter-lived chancellor have seen to that. So, with the help of the new king I propose to conduct a soft annexation of the Duchy of Cornwall and the Crown Estate.

We will then hold an auction of virtual parcels of the royal lands, just like they do in the Highlands when they sell off pretendy lairdships. At around 50k a pop this should be sufficient to make a dent in the national debt and ease our borrowing rates on the international markets. All the King has to do is press the flesh at a couple of functions a year while retaining proper ownership. Bob’s your uncle and Fanny’s your auntie.

We’re also working on a plan to take advantage of the lucrative space futures markets. With the help of Elon Tesla we can basically claim part ownership of Jupiter and Mars under a little-known international treaty and sell land on it in this high-end market. Is there life on Mars? You bet there is, and lots of poppy too.

On the international stage where, let’s face it, Britain’s reputation has taken a bit of a pounding, I intend to take full advantage of my recent award of True Hero of the Ukrainian people. I intend to vote through a £1billion military aid package with our courageous comrades-in-arms. We’ve called it: Building Bombs Better.

I’ve secured a deal whereby when the shooting match with the Russkies is over, UK companies will become preferred bidders in securing construction contracts and grabbing a share of their telecoms, oil and gas infrastructure; plus military defence contracts and access to agricultural markets.

There is also an opportunity for Britain to regain its global and historic reputation as a nation of peace and goodwill. And to that end two Russian businessmen whose acquaintance I made during my tenure as Lord Mayor have been acting as my special envoys to Moscow.

We’ve assured Vladimir Putin safe passage to a secure and secret location if and when the balloon goes up and the generals start circling. In return for this we’re hoping he’ll provide access to the Swiss bank accounts. You may remember we did something similar for the Shah of Iran in 1979 before the mad mullahs intervened with that revolution of theirs. Boo, hiss and a large raspberry to them!

Obviously, there will be no Scottish independence on my watch but the Sturgeon woman and I have reached a compromise of sorts. Once the judges have thrown out her daft claim of Holyrood sovereignty she’ll formally move to declare UDI if she wins the next UK election. To which I’ll formally respond with a firm message of get stuffed.

It’s a win-win. Sturgeon will claim to have done all in her power to achieve independence and I’ll be the chap who saved the Union … and all neatly in time for the 2024 election.

I Remain, as always, Your most Humble and Obedient Servant.

The Herald:

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