BRITAIN has a new Prime Minister [checks notes for name]: Rishi Sunak. His coronation-cum-election broke new historical ground in Britain. He’s the first Prime Minister to regularly use the expression “you guys”.

Tory leader Rishi presents problems for Labour boss Keir Starmer. Sir Keir hoped to be the new Tony Blair. But Rishi does the voice and grin better, cheesing from ear to ear like a Halloween pumpkin that’s just dropped a tab of ecstasy.

Proudly humble, compassionately cruel, he’s been appointed to manage Britain’s decline efficiently with a minimum of fuss or policies. As he sidled bashfully into the Commons yesterday, Tory MPs went so doolally with delight that the Speaker had to warn them: “Don’t damage the furniture!”

Typical Tory yobs: “Here’s the new Prime Minister! Wreck the joint!”

Among the usual insincere words of welcome at Prime Minister’s Questions, Sir Keir held an onion to his eye and wept that Rishi’s elevation proved Britain was a place where people can “fulfil their dreams”, forgetting to add: “if they have enough money”.

Mr Sunak predicted robust exchanges, but hoped these would be “serious and grown-up”, as a trifle bunged from the Labour benches hit him in the face. Joking.

The serious joking began when Sir Keir bellyached about the appointment as Home Secretary of Suella Braverman, who only last week resigned from that same position after a weird breach of security that she allegedly engineered herself.

Rishi said words to the effect that she was wrong last week but right this week, and would be cracking down on crime and defending England’s borders, “while the party opposite remain soft on crime and in favour of unlimited immigration”.

Sir Keir was outraged. Why, he’d headed the Crown Prosecution Service for five years – we know; you keep telling us – and knew how important it was for home secretaries to have integrity. Important? Optional surely?

The appointment was part of a “grubby deal” paving the way for Rishi to become PM. “As always with them: party first, country second.”

Riposted Rishi: “Perhaps he can explain to us why a few years ago he was supporting the member for Islington North.” This was former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, quite an extreme chap and Rishi’s go-to deflection like his predecessor’s “militant strikers”. Mr Sunak added that, while his mob was tackling crime, Keir’s was “supporting the lunatic protesting fringe”, presumably these nutters gluing their heids to stuff on account of climate change.

If Jeremy is a big stick for beating Keir, wealth is a cudgel with which to bash Rishi, and Sir Keir wielded it like a Brylcreemed ninja, asking the PM if he’d abolish non-domestic status, whereby rich people live here but register abroad for tax purposes. “I don’t have to explain to the Prime Minister how non-dom status works,” he added. Ooh, bit personal. Rishi’s humongously wealthy wife had been registered for it.

Sir K wasn’t finished there, reminding the Hoose that, while Mr Sunak pretended to support working people, he’d been recorded at a garden party in Tunbridge Wells saying he’d diverted money from poor areas to ostensibly wealthier ones.

Rishi: “I know the Right Honourable Gentleman rarely leaves North London. But, if he does, he will know that there are deprived areas in our rural communities, in our coastal communities and across the south.” Yes, basically the whole country is poor.

“Leadership is not selling fairy tales,” he added, as his nose grew longer and a passing mermaid micturated forcefully in his face.

Sir Keir sought solace in salad, reminding Mr Sunak that he’d been beaten in the first leadership contest by Liz Truss, “who herself got trounced by a lettuce”. This referred to a competition in respected journal of statesmanship, the Daily Star, to see if the former PM could remain in office longer than the time it took a lettuce to wilt.

“Oh well, that’s leaf,” said Rishi. No, he didn’t. Salad-dodger Ian Blackford, meanwhile, noted the PM’s pious bilge about “compassion” but reminded the Hoose that, as Chancellor, he’d cut Universal Credit.

Rishi was not having this Caledonian cant from the SNP’s Westminster leader. Why, only the previous night he’d spoken to the First Minister of Scotland, he said, pointing to the country on a map.

When the SNP’s Alyn Smyth declared Scotland would be better off independent in the EU, a hullabaloo erupted, once more jeopardising the furniture.

“I will not be shouted down,” cried Alyn. You will, mate. You will. And, in turn, his mob will shout down the new Prime Minister, in this most “serious and grown-up” of parliaments.

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