Vacuum doesn’t suck

A DIARY mention of vacuum cleaners reminds financial services executive Jenny Peterson of an online conference she organised a while ago for a group she was managing.

Most of Jenny’s colleagues do the majority of their work from home nowadays.

However, at this Zoom meeting one grumbling underling complained that being away from the office environment much of the time was “like working in a vacuum”.

Trying to be helpful, Jenny offered to arrange for him to be a full-time office drone again.

Clearly he wasn’t serious in his complaint, for he rapidly responded: “No, no. That’s quite all right. Actually I like working in a vacuum. If I could live inside my Hoover, I probably would.”

Birdbrained theory

THE ever-scholarly Diary has been discussing astronomy and the expanding universe.

Today we move on to chemistry, for Gordon McRae reveals that boffins are concerned about the increase in ammonia levels in the environment.

“This might be because of the large number of birds bought as pets during lockdown,” says Gordon.

He then provides empirical evidence for his theory by quoting that old music hall ditty: “Ammonia Bird in a Gilded Cage."

Geographical japery

ALL Hallows’ Eve is firmly locked up in its tomb for another year, though its ghostly apparition continues to haunt the Diary with our readers insisting on informing us of their Halloween hijinks.

“My brother wanted to go to a party dressed as a small island off the coast of Italy,” reveals Roddy Young. “I told him not to be Sicily.”

Hot air

ENJOYING a tipple in his local taproom, reader Henry Downie overheard one booze-addled bloke at the bar say to his equally stotious pal: “I dinnae unnerstaun how them air fryers work. How d’ye trap air so’s ye can fry it?”

Cold comfort

FED-UP reader Lenny Michaelson admitted to a chum that he felt like he was in a rut. So Lenny’s chum sent him an encouraging email saying: “Remember, the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent and general personality.”

Premature pop-pop-popping

NOVEMBER the Fifth is still a couple of days away, yet already there have been numerous multi-coloured explosions in the night sky, to the irritation of many.

Says reader Alex Hopkins: “It’s far too soon to be letting off fireworks. It’s forcing my poor dog to cower under the Christmas tree.”

Language games

A CONFESSION from reader Mary Grant, who says: “Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.”