It’s a cracker

COMEDY great Andy Cameron gets in touch to reminisce about his late chum, the Belfast gag merchant Frank Carson.

“Frank’s mother, Ruby, had been involved in a car accident at one time and was left with only one eye,” says Andy. “On one of my visits to take part in a Frank Carson charity event he took me up to see Ruby. She was dozing in front of the fire when we arrived.”

Frank announced his arrival in his usual dulcet tones: ”Ruby, here’s that Andy Cameron over to steal all my jokes, are ye wakened?”

Ruby stirred and apologised. "Sorry, Andy,” she said. “I was just havin’ 20 winks there, I’ll put the kettle on.”

Chilling ending

A GRIM tale of the high seas. David Jackson from Newton Mearns was in the Merchant Navy in the 1960s. Occasionally a fellow sailor died during a long voyage and had to be buried at sea, though some sailors came from cultures that didn’t allow sea burial.

“So what do we do with them?” asked David of the captain on his first voyage.

“Put them in the fridge till we get to shore,” shrugged the captain. “Just bung ‘em in with the grub.”

The nose knows

WHILE walking his dog, reader John Cochrane has always been intrigued by the amount of sniffing done by the inquisitive pooch at walls and lampposts.

“Then it dawned on me,” says John, “he might be checking his Pee-Mails.”

Heavy situation

THE wife of reader Joe McNair cruelly pointed out that he had put on a lot of weight during the past few months.

“There’s a good reason for that,” countered Joe. “I’ve had a lot on my plate recently."

Singular idea

THE latest task set by the fiendishly cunning Diary is to ask our readers to de-pluralise famous movie titles. Which inspires David Donaldson to suggest the movie Grain.

And just in case you’re completely bamboozled by that suggestion, David points out that this is the de-pluralised version of the sci fi movie Dune.

(Un)fit for purpose

CONTENTED reader Matt Richards reveals he has no interest in doing anything of note with his life.

“Think about it,” says Matt, “every single frozen corpse on Mount Everest was once a highly-motivated person. So it’s best to stay lazy. What Darwin might have called the survival of the unfittest.”

Performance pilfered

WE mentioned the scourge of kleptomania. Which inspires Emma Lowrie to tell us: “I once hired a kleptomaniac as an entertainer. Big mistake. He stole the show.”