Did you hear 2004’s ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ update and think ‘yes, this is awful, but it can’t get any worse’?

Did you hear the 2014 version and say ‘disregard what I said 10 years ago, this is worse. Still, there are no depths left to plummet’?

Hark at your naivety. A new single is set to be released that will have you pining for the halcyon days of 2014 Bono pulling off a bad impression of 2004 Bono pulling off a bad impression of 1984 Bono. 

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It’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid. 

You say that, but we’re about to be subjected to another woeful Christmas number one from LadBaby.

Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?

They absolutely do. This is set to be the Nottinghamshire couple’s fifth consecutive UK Christmas number one. Every 12 months, they release an insipid novelty tune and guilt the public into helping them top the charts by donating profits to charity.

Previous efforts have included ‘I Love Sausage Rolls’ and ‘Sausage Rolls for Everyone’. If I wanted guilt and sausage rolls I’d meet my mum for lunch. 

And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.

Those clanging chimes are the sound of LadBaby covering the 1984 Band Aid classic, joined by finance expert and local news website dominator Martin Lewis. 

The Herald: Martin Lewis has teamed up with cynical chart-polluters LadBabyMartin Lewis has teamed up with cynical chart-polluters LadBaby (Image: PA Images)

Proceeds will be shared equally between the Band Aid foundation and food bank charity The Trussell Trust. 

Here’s to them.

You can donate to charity without bolstering the egos of manipulative cynics who have become household names on the back of suffering, making music for the sort of people who vote for the party of austerity but buy the charity single to make themselves feel like they’ve ‘done their bit’ for the year.

And in our world of plenty…

In 2018, the year of LadBaby’s first Christmas charity single, the couple had a reported net worth of £71,339. In 2021, the year of their fourth, their reported net worth was £1.2 million. 

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But say a prayer, pray for the other ones.

In 2009, a run of four consecutive bland Christmas number ones from X Factor winners was ended by legendary American rock band Rage Against The Machine, whose protest anthem ‘Killing in the Name’ pipped the talent show’s Joe McElderry to the top spot thanks to an online campaign. 

Frontman Zack de la Rocha said the movement helped “topple this very sterile pop monopoly.”

Aiming to replicate that in 2022 are The K***s, who reached number five last Christmas with a song about Boris Johnson that wasn’t particularly complimentary and are back this year with a song about the Conservative party that isn’t particularly complimentary. 

Speaking to Clash magazine in 2021, they said: “we would not stoop to using poverty, hunger and despair to promote our career and bolster our bank balance like we believe LadBaby have done.”

How can LadBaby look themselves in the mirror?

Well tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you.

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Ladbaby have an approximate net worth of over £1 million.

So, this Christmas - Don't line their pockets and donate directly to The Trussell Trust