The vast majority of 21st century Christmas number ones have been terrible.
Insipid festive cash-ins that no-one is singing by the time the schools return in January. Cynical sausage roll grifts, talent show one-hit-wonders, cynical sausage roll grifts featuring Ed Sheeran.
The Christmas number one used to be something to take pride in. From Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody in 1975 to Don’t You Want Me by the Human League in 1981, and from Always On My Mind by the Pet Shop Boys in 1987 to the Spice Girls’ Two Become One in 1996, these were songs that actually had a bit of time and effort applied to them.
There wasn’t a sausage roll in sight.
With LadBaby set to ruin another Christmas chart, we’ve looked at every Yuletide chart of the century so far and picked out the song that really deserved to be number one.
2000 NUMBER ONE: BOB THE BUILDER - CAN WE FIX IT?
INJUSTICE? It’s not Slade, but it’s for the weans so there’s no point in being angry about it. Plus, it’s a significant improvement on 1999 Christmas chart-toppers Westlife, and it meant the boy band’s 2000 entry had to settle for number two.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Eminem’s visceral and inventive Stan reached number three. A case could also be made for Independent Women by Destiny’s Child, which had to settle for number nine.
2001 NUMBER ONE: ROBBIE WILLIAMS & NICOLE KIDMAN - SOMETHIN’ STUPID
INJUSTICE? Although they’d never given much indication that they were a singer, they gave a tune made famous by Frank and Nancy Sinatra a touch of star power. Nicole Kidman, meanwhile, carried the tune. Harmless, but not exactly a highlight of either participant’s career.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Justice for Sophie Ellis-Bextor. The banger that is Murder on the Dancefloor was number four in the 2001 Christmas chart.
2002 NUMBER ONE: GIRLS ALOUD - SOUND OF THE UNDERGROUND
INJUSTICE? Ironically, the 21st century’s first talent show number one is actually one of the few songs on this list that stands up. The winner of ITV’s Popstars: The Rivals, this was the first of twenty consecutive number ones for a five-piece who spent the noughties vying with the Sugababes for the title of Britain’s best pop group.
Unlike every talent show number one that came in its wake, this one had personality, energy and hooks.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Dilemma by Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland reached number 13 and would have been a deserved winner, but Sound of the Underground ushered in an era of Girls Aloud dominance and so there can be no complaints about it reaching the top.
2003 NUMBER ONE: MICHAEL ANDREWS FEATURING GARY JULES - MAD WORLD
INJUSTICE? This sombre Tears For Fears cover isn’t exactly going to have your granny ‘up and rock ‘n’ rolling with the rest, but pickings were exceptionally slim in 2003. The Christmas top 10 featured Black Eyed Peas, Bo Selecta and Shane Richie.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: The Darkness, with their plaintive ballad Christmas Time (Don’t Let The Bells End).
2004 NUMBER ONE: BAND AID 20 - DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS
INJUSTICE? This 20th anniversary remake of ‘Patronise The World’ had little going for it, but compared to this year’s LadbBaby version it’s Beethoven’s 5th.
There are however, two stone-cold bangers in the top 10 that were infinitely more deserving of a Christmas number one.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Ice Cube’s You Can Do at number four It is a strong candidate, but at number three the euphoric disco of I Believe In You is possibly Kylie Minogue’s most underrated moment and would have been a fondly remembered festive chart-topper.
READ MORE: Arctic Monkeys , Taylor Swift and 70 classic number two hits
2005 NUMBER ONE: SHAYNE WARD - THAT’S MY GOAL
INJUSTICE? The beginning of a four-year X Factor Christmas reign of terror. Absolutely dire.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Hung Up by Madonna, which suffered the indignity of sitting seven places behind Shayne Ward, six behind Nizlopi’s novelty JCB song and two behind Crazy Frog’s MC Hammer cover, which you almost certainly didn’t know existed before you read this sentence.
2006 NUMBER ONE: LEONA LEWIS - A MOMENT LIKE THIS
INJUSTICE? An overblown, uninspired dirge with all the subtlety of a James Cameron Avatar director’s cut, except it somehow feels longer.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Fairytale of New York reached number six. It has never been a Christmas number one, but A Moment Like This by Leona Lewis has. What a country.
2007 NUMBER ONE: LEON JACKSON - WHEN YOU BELIEVE
INJUSTICE? Even by X Factor Christmas number one standards, this is a low.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Fairytale of New York hit number four in 2007, with Mariah Carey’s timeless All I Want For Christmas Is You at number six.
2008 NUMBER ONE: ALEXANDRA BURKE - HALLELUJAH
INJUSTICE? If I visited Madrid’s Museo Reina Sofia and drew genitals all over Picasso’s Guernica, I wouldn’t expect to be rewarded with money and fame. And yet, despite stripping Leonard Cohen’s masterpiece of any trace of subtlety, art and meaning, Alexandra Burke’s bulldozering of Hallelujah was 2008’s Christmas number one.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Jeff Buckley’s beautiful 1994 cover of Hallelujah reached number two, giving the late musician his highest-ever chart position thanks to online campaigns.
His mother Mary Guibert told the Independent: “I think Jeff would have found this number one thing. It’s ironic in so many ways. I mean, here is The X Factor, run by Simon Cowell, who is supposed to be the ultimate taste arbiter, and they’ve been run to the wire by my son.
“It’s come about so organically, with no record label pushing it, and I think Jeff would have loved that, and loved his fans for doing it.”
2009 NUMBER ONE: RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - KILLING IN THE NAME
INJUSTICE? The greatest Christmas number one of the 21st century was originally released in 1992. Building on the previous year’s Jeff Buckley campaign, fans sought to protest the X Factor’s domination and prevent a fifth consecutive Simon Cowell Christmas win.
With its visceral sound and ‘f*** you, I won’t do what you tell me’ refrain, its triumph over Joe McElderry’s woeful The Climb was a cathartic moment.
The following year, Rage performed a free concert for 90,000 fans in London’s Finsbury Park. Speaking on the show’s 10th anniversary in 2020, guitarist Tom Morello said: “The band donated 100% of sales from the single to UK homeless charities and the show may go down as the greatest in the band’s history.
“So today I suspect it won’t be hard to find a worthy target or two and tell ‘em: #F***YouUIWontDoWhatYouTellMe.”
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Rage were worthy winners, but Lady Gaga’s brilliant third-placed Bad Romance would have been a deserving Christmas number one in any other year so far this century.
2010 NUMBER ONE: MATT CARDLE - WHEN WE COLLIDE
INJUSTICE? Sadly, normal business was resumed in 2010. Abject.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Off the back of a memorable moment in Family Guy, The Trashmen’s surf rock classic Surfin’ Bird reached number three,
2011 NUMBER ONE: THE MILITARY WIVES WITH GARETH MALONE - WHEREVER YOU ARE
INJUSTICE? The cover of the single was a giant poppy, and the campaign to make it number one was led by Piers Morgan. That should tell you everything about who this was for.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Rihanna and Calvin Harris with We Found Love saw in Christmas at number 10, exactly nine places lower than it should have been.
2012 NUMBER ONE: THE JUSTICE COLLECTIVE - HE AIN’T HEAVY, HE’S MY BROTHER
INJUSTICE? Comprised of musicians and celebrities, The Justice Collective was formed by Peter Hooton of the Farm to raise money for Hillsborough disaster charities.
Their cover of the Hollies classic featured two original members of the ‘60s band, alongside the likes of Elton John, Melanie C, Mick Jones, Paul McCartney and Robbie Williams, as well as former Liverpool players Alan Hansen and Kenny Dalglish.
The quality and quantity of those involved spoke to the strength of feeling about Hillsborough and the injustices suffered by families, and it’s one of the few 21st century Christmas number ones that can be looked back upon with a sense of pride.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: 2012 was that rare Christmas chart about which no sensible person could have any complaints.
2013 NUMBER ONE: SAM BAILEY - SKYSCRAPER
INJUSTICE? Another X Factor winner. Next.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Another online campaign saw AC/DC’s Highway To Hell reach number four.
2014 NUMBER ONE: BEN HAENOW - SOMETHING I NEED
INJUSTICE? The final dying flatulence of Simon Cowell’s Christmas number one tyranny. Good riddance.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: The head says Blank Space by Taylor Swift at number seven, but the heart says Wealdstone Raider’s fifth-placed Got No Fans.
2015 NUMBER ONE: LEWISHAM & GREENWICH NHS CHOIR - A BRIDGE OVER YOU
INJUSTICE? This mix of Simon & Grafunkel’s Bridge over Troubled Water and Coldplay’s Fix You tugged at the nation’s heartstrings. Its musical merits are beside the point. The campaign to make it number one was a reminder of the daily heroics performed by NHS workers. Seven years later, that’s something a lot of right-wing hacks could use a reminder of.
Their path to the top spot was cleared by Justin Bieber, who tweeted: “For 1 week it’s ok to not be #1. Let’s do the right thing & help them win. It’s Christmas.”
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: On a purely musical level, Stormzy’s ninth-placed Shut Up is by some distance the best song in 2015’s Christmas top 10. On a moral level, the NHS Choir’s song was the only choice.
2016 NUMBER ONE: CLEAN BANDIT - ROCKABYE
INJUSTICE? H&M fitting room music.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Despite having come to define the festive season, All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey has somehow never been number one on December 25. She had to settle for number five in 2016.
2017 NUMBER ONE: ED SHEERAN - PERFECT
INJUSTICE? You know when something terrible happens and you sarcastically proclaim ‘well, that’s just perfect’? In that respect, it’s an appropriate title.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: The Pogues, Mariah Carey and Wham! were all in the top 10.
2018 NUMBER ONE: LADBABY - WE BUILT THIS CITY
INJUSTICE? At a flatwarming in 2011, we put on a spread featuring sausage rolls. My friend Stevie sang ‘We built this city on sausage rolls’. We laughed, and within about five seconds we stopped laughing.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: Literally anything else would have been better. Wham! and Mariah again made the top 10.
READ MORE: 10 George Michael songs that tell his story on Faith anniversary
2019 NUMBER ONE: LADBABY - I LOVE SAUSAGE ROLLS
INJUSTICE? Remember how in 2018 they replaced ‘rock and roll’ with ‘sausage rolls’? In 2019, they replaced ‘rock and roll’ with ‘sausage rolls’.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: The Weeknd’s Blinding Lights would dominate 2020’s charts, but had to settle for number 20 in 2019’s festive countdown.
2020 NUMBER ONE: LADBABY - DON’T STOP ME EATIN’
INJUSTICE? Mariah Carey’s beloved Christmas song reached number two in 2020, and was kept off the top spot by a song where ‘believin’ is replaced by ‘me eatin’. There’s not really much else to say, is there?
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: See above.
READ MORE: LadBaby Martin Lewis Band Aid cover is another cynical ego boost
2021 NUMBER ONE: LADBABY FT. ED SHEERAN AND ELTON JOHN - SAUSAGE ROLLS FOR EVERYONE
INJUSTICE? Like decades of global warming and the inevitable uninhabitability of our planet, LadBaby and Ed Sheeran were always destined for each other. Presumably Elton John was ejected from the studio when he attempted to inject melody and personality.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN: 58 years after its release, the Ronettes’ euphoric Wall of Sound classic Sleigh Ride re-entered the charts at number 29. It’s hard to imagine LadBaby being so fondly remembered in 2079.
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