Bumming around

IT has been a year of war in Europe, political chaos in the UK Parliament, and economic trauma in each and every household.

So what has the Diary been prioritising? Lumpy posteriors, of course. Which are much coveted by the cognoscenti, we recently discovered, after receiving a helpful email explaining how we could pump up our rump, add bulge to our bott, max-out our gluteus maximus.

(Or words to that effect.)

Diary correspondent David Donaldson admits to being bemused at the trend towards ever-bigger booties, and sends us this poem, inspired by Robert Burns…

When Nature her great masterpiece designed,

And framed her last, best work, the human mind,

Her eye was bewildered by the latest fashions

To have a bahookie as big as a Kardashian's.

Puggled posties

IN a world of subterfuge and skulduggery it is a relief to discover a few honest brokers. Which is why Jeff Hattie from Uplawmoor was delighted when he spotted a Facebook post from Barrhead Post Office, which explained: “We will be closed on the 26th and 27th December to allow the staff time to sober up.”

Go West

THE Diary has been boasting that we have two – yes two! – books available in bookstores this year. Though it seems that one of our chums, the talented scribe Deedee Cuddihy, also has much to be proud of. For she, too, has released a new magnum opus, titled I Love the West End (of Glasgow).

One of the amusing real-life anecdotes included in the book tells of the lady who visited the Old College Bar in Glasgow’s High Street.

A regular inquired where she was from.

“Glasgow,” she answered, guardedly.

“Aye, but where in Glasgow?” insisted the chap.

She was forced into admitting the disreputable truth.

Upon hearing which, the chap turned to the rest of the clientele, and roared: “Hey boys, we’ve got some toffs in today! This lot are from the West End!”


WILDLIFE watcher Jenny Rattigan spotted some ants eating a chocolate bar on her kitchen counter. “Guess there is life on Mars,” she concludes.

Glass half full

OF late reader Brendan Keenan has been kept up nights, his mind bombarded with quirky questions, which he’s now sharing with us, such as: “If you happen to be the unfortunate bloke who always buys the extra round… would you be the Loser in the Boozer?”

Debating drinkies

“I’M thinking of having Bucks Fizz for Hogmanay,” confesses Gillian Duff from East Kilbride. “Though I’m still making my mind up.”