Cemetery slip-up

THE Diary is rarely wrong about anything. The last time we gave out incorrect information was in 1898, when we pronounced that “this new-fangled contraption called the motorcar will never succeed.”

We triumphantly added: “What next? Metal flying machines with wings? Universal suffrage?! Let’s get real, folks…”

Alas, we must report that, 125 years later, we have committed another error.

For a correspondent recently informed us that old mathematicians are buried in the "symmetry", which we duly reported in The Herald.

Now reader Tom Fullerton provides a timely correction.

“Actually,” says Tom, “a symmetry is where old vests are interred.”

Bend sinister

THE Diary office is packed with journalists who have reported from chaotic war zones, grizzly crime scenes, and have even been brave enough to review new releases from Justin Bieber.

But we must admit to feeling faint when reader David Donaldson sent us a book called Wild Kilted Yoga.

The front cover has a photo of a bendy chap, bare of chest, though splendidly kilted, in a forest somewhere, manipulating his limbs into a position that looks excruciatingly unnatural, though it would probably help him win a competitive game of Twister.

David is equally aghast at the image, saying: “It should come with a health warning like 'Be sure to check for nettles, brambles and ticks before attempting this pose’.”

Gout and about

WE recently mentioned Deedee Cuddihy’s new book, I Love the West End (of Glasgow), which includes numerous quotes from residents of that nifty neck of the woods.

We particularly like the following, from a chap who says: “I went to the doctor because I had been experiencing some gout-like symptoms – sore hands, painful joints – and he asked me what sorts of food I’d been eating. I replied: ‘Venison, game, shellfish…’ and he broke in at that point and commented: ‘Ah, yes – the typical West End diet.’”

Abode or a boat?

WE continue celebrating quirky schoolkid comments. Brian Logan from Langside recalls the English teacher who read a story to class, and mentioned a character living in a boat house.

A wise pupil thrust a hand in the air, and said his parents had "boat" their house.

Smartening up

FORMER Sun journalist Gordon Smart, from Edinburgh, has become a more glamorous geezer, with presenting shifts on Good Morning Britain.

He told his dad about the TV gig, who advised: “Better get a spray tan, son.”

Funny food

“THE key to a pizza joke is in the delivery,” points out reader Martin Waterhouse.