Beastly entertainment

A DIARY tale about panto reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of a trip to the Empire Theatre in Liverpool, when he took an elderly aunt to see Beauty and the Beast.

Sitting behind them was a group of primary pupils of about six years old.

When Belle was wandering off into the forest, a blast of dry ice entered stage right, leading one of the little girls watching to shout: “Don't go into the smoke!”

Alas, foolish Belle ignored this wise council, and was duly captured.

So the exasperated little girl said to the pal next to her: "I told her not to go into the smoke."

To which the pal responded: "Yeah, me granny told me smoking is bad for yer."

Jock’s away

HISSY-FIT Harry, continued. As we mentioned previously, Prince Harry has released his autobiography, Spare, in which he recites a lifetime of grievances and perceived wrongs done to him.

Which reminds David Donaldson of the parable of the two Glasgow wifies, Jessie and Isa, hanging out their windows to watch a military parade going along Parliamentary Road.

"Wid ye look at that, Isa!" says Jessie. "They're aw oot o' step but oor Jock."

The volume vanishes

OUR yarn about bookworms making a meal of a chap’s library reminds Don Chadwick of the time his favourite detective novel was munched by mites.

Over a lengthy period of time the book became crumbly and foxed, until there was essentially nothing left of the once cherished volume.

“It was bitterly ironic,” says Don, “because the book in question was The Long Goodbye.”

Savagery of song

WEALTHY folk have oodles of fun, with all that filthy lucre jingling in their pockets. Though it’s also true that the affably affluent don’t get everything their own way.

For as Scottish comedian Leo Kearse points out: “Opera is punishment for rich people.”

Bedridden boy

TEACHERS went on strike earlier this week, resulting in thousands of young scholars studying diligently in their houses instead of school.

At least that’s what should have been happening.

Though it certainly wasn’t the plan of reader Iona McKay’s son, who spent the day in bed.

“Aren’t you going to do anything constructive?” enquired Iona.

“I already am,” replied the dynamic youth. “Look at me multi-tasking. I’m shutting my eyes, yawning, and making a dent in the mattress, all at the same time.”

Read more from the Diary: What's that about the rain Gers?

Grim grammar

A SHOCKING revelation from reader Sue Bourne, who says: “My three favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.”