Brush with celebrity

DAVID Beckham is perhaps more famous for his sartorial savvy than anything he achieved sauntering after a ball on a freshly-mown rectangle of grass.

Which is fortunate for him, for his footy days have now faded into sepia-tinted obscurity, and now all that remains is Beck’s beauty tips for middle-aged peacocks whose once-resplendent tails are starting to wilt.

His latest wheeze is posting a video of his personal makeup routine, where he’s seen gently dabbing his face with a makeup brush.

Says Alan Thomson from Nitshill: “In my day, the only ‘make-up’ footballers did was in the stadium tunnel after a game, when a half-hearted apology was given to a rival player, whose shinbone was almost snapped on the pitch.”

Jaws of despair

POOR Phillip Schofield. Not only will he have to spend arduous hours at home tweaking the font size on his CV, he’s also forced to put up with the boorish barbs from a heartless nation.

(Which includes the Diary, we should add for full disclosure.)

The son of reader Penny Gilling is studying to be a dentist, and one of his lecturers recently referred to a heavily decayed incisor as a Schofield.

“In other words,” explained the lecturer, “there’s really no option. It just has to go.”

Naughty nibbles

DIETARY advice which may be a little hard to swallow from reader Sharon McColl, who says: “You are what you eat. For example, if you eat a cannibal… you’re a cannibal.”

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Tip-top tippling

THE elderly mother of reader Sarah Morris is settled in an old age home, though she was a party animal in her heroically misspent youth.

The other day she said to Sarah: “Y’know, I still binge drink. Unfortunately it’s only Horlicks.”

Hot and bothered

WE’RE discussing office antics. Or rather the lack of them. A seismic earthquake in white-collar culture means many people are now based at home, including the wife of reader Matt Deane.

The other day she said to Matt: “I miss the good old days of the office. Now my only work companion’s the microwave oven in the kitchen.”

On a more positive note, she added: “The microwave’s name is Bob, by the way, and he’s pretty hot. Especially when turned on.”

A deeply concerned Matt confides to the Diary: “I’m not sure how I can possibly compete…”

Fame name game

MOVIE talk. Reader Ted Cavanaugh says: “Very few people are aware that Hollywood star Richard Gere has an equally talented father called Gottler. He’s a brilliant ventriloquist.”