Shug’s slumbers

ALBA’S footy fans were left grieving this week after Lionel Messi announced his intention to join Inter Miami, after being hotly tipped to sign for a Scottish team.

Hotly tipped, that is, by Big Shug in a local Paisley boozer, who assured anyone prepared to listen that the Argentinian superstar was heading for St Mirren.  

Alas, Big Shug’s cast-iron evidence turned out to be a visionary dream he’d recently had - after overindulging on whisky and stale Scotch eggs - which involved Messi wearing a black-and-white football strip whilst playing Donald Where’s Your Troosers? on the bagpipes.

Scotland would undoubtedly have been a more exciting place if Lionel had moved here instead of opting to play some bizarre Miami version of the beautiful game, which most likely involves playing keepy-uppy with a beachball.

Though even without the presence of the Argentinian ace, our proud nation still has much to offer in the way of thrills and spills, courtesy of the Herald Diary.

Once again we proudly present a mere soupcon of the classic tales from our archives, each one a world-class winner, just like the marvellous Mr M…


Bird-brained boy

A SCHOLARLY conversation. A retired teacher from Kilmacolm recalled taking her class to the park to look for birds.

One wee lad yelled out: “Hey, miss, here’s a burd. It’s eating a biscuit!”

Teacher rushed over, bird book in hand, and inquired what kind it was.

Came the reply: “Don’t know, miss. Ah think it’s a digestive.”


Hefty humour

IN a Glasgow coffee shop a reader heard some women discussing a mutual friend who was thinking of getting surgery to help reduce her weight.

“So she’s jumping on the gastric band wagon?” one of them asked.


Kid’s stuff

THE Diary was once discussing allowing younger people to vote in elections, which led a reader to suggest that simply ticking a box would no longer be enough.

“These young voters,” predicted our reader, “would want to write beside the various options OMG! or LOL.”


Cheesy chat

DADS who think they’re funny. A south side girl wishing to sprinkle cheese on her spaghetti asked: “Where’s the cheese grater?”

“Some would say France, others would say Cheddar in England,” Dad replied, from the dinner table.


Bedtime blues

A READER informed us he had just returned from a two-day conference when his wife told him: “I’ve got a surprise for you in the bedroom.”

Sadly his hopes were cruelly dashed when she added: “I’ve put the winter quilt on.”


Friendly Fido

OVERHEARD in a Motherwell pub, a chap saying: “When the doorbell rings at home the dog always runs to it, so the wife said to me: ‘Why does he always think it’s for him?’”