The big break
“The past is a foreign country,” claimed the novelist L.P. Hartley. “They do things differently there.”
But do you know what is even more of a foreign country? An actual foreign country. Where they do things differently… with knobs on.
Take Italy, for example, where a worker has been sacked for being just a tiny bit lazy.
Philosophy and literature teacher Cinzio Paolina De Lio got the old heave-ho after being employed for 24 years, though only turning up in class for four of them.
When journalists quizzed her about her relaxed attitude she declined to comment, pointing out that the reporters really shouldn’t have interrupted her while she was at the beach.
In Caledonia such behaviour would never be tolerated.
Doughty Scots are so intent on doing their duty that they often wake up an hour before even going to bed.
They decline lunch breaks, weekends off and holidays.
And toilet breaks are for wimps. Who needs to scamper off to the loo when you can cross your legs or clench your buttocks instead? Diary staff are especially driven. This is partially due to our irrepressible work ethic. Though the cattle prods and whips used by Diary enforcers – sorry, managerial executives – are also useful methods of encouragement.
Our diligence towards duty ensures that each tale we publish is perfect in every way, as you’ll discover while reading the following classic tales from our archives…
Hairbrained
CHANGING your hair colour can throw up the occasional problem. A reader heard a young woman tell her pals in a Glasgow bar, while discussing said lady’s new boyfriend: “He told me he liked blondes. And I thought, ‘Wait a minute, I’m not a blonde.’ And then I remembered I was.”
The hideous truth
A READER sent us a cutting from the London edition of listings magazine Time Out in which someone claimed: “Being fancied by someone ugly is like winning Scottish Footballer of the Year.”
In for a penny
A HERALD colleague once told the Diary: “We had to toss a coin to decide on the name for our son. Welcome to the world, Tails.”
Citric-sassy lassies ANOTHER pal from the office revealed he watched an Orange parade.
“In Glasgow?” we asked.
“No,” he replied. “It was an Essex nightclub.”
Crown down
“DID you hear that the King of Spain had abdicated?” said a chap in a Glasgow pub a while back.
“Ah well,” replied a fellow tippler. “Another Juan bites the dust.”
Talking bull
SPAIN again. A Dunblane reader heard that a Spanish fellow was gored in the encierro during the Pamplona bull run.
He sincerely hoped that the encierro was not situated in the area below the waist and above the knees…
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here