Fighting talk
THE only thing that ever got anywhere near Winston Churchill’s face was a large cigar.
How things have changed.
Now a once-prominent political figure can find his face becoming newly-acquainted with a bunch of knobbly knuckles, as a large fist hurtles towards his nose at great speed.
Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock was walloped by ex-footy star Jermaine Pennant during a boxing match staged for reality show, Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins.
A politico pulverised. A footballer’s fist flailing.
It’s a torrid world we find ourselves in.
Thankfully the Diary provides the more cultivated connoisseur of sophisticated entertainment with stories that manage to delight without any nose-pinching, hair-tugging or ankle-kicking.
Though – full disclosure – we do supply plenty of rib-tickling.
So sit back and enjoy the following classic tales from our archives, where you’ll find precious few punch-ups, but plenty of punchlines…
Half-truth
UNDERAGE tippling – the dangers.
A reader, when a teen, visited a St Andrews hostelry. A friend arrived from an outlying village.
It was rather unfortunate that the bus driver who drove the friend to her destination eventually turned up at the pub.
Spotting his former passenger with pint in hand, he shouted angrily across the crowded bar: “You paid a half!”
Every loser wins
WE recall when footy club Hibs announced it had made a £100,000 profit – the first time it had been in the black for three years.
“That’s what happens,” explained one impressed sporting type, “when you don’t have to pay any win bonuses.”
Barman badinage
THE Diary was informed that American actor David Hasselhoff once swaggered into a Glasgow boozer while visiting the city.
“What can I get you, Mr Hasselhoff?” asked the barman.
The American entertainer convivially replied: “You can just call me The Hoff.”
“Okay,” conceded the barman. “Nae hassel.”
Strange meeting
DUE to stormy weather a group of sporty chaps had to cancel their weekly game of golf.
When they later talked about what they had done instead, one of them revealed he spent the day at home chatting to his wife.
He then added: “She seems like a nice person.”
Quirky question
COUNCILS across Scotland were once sent requests for info under the Freedom of Information Act from numerous newspapers looking for stories.
We heard about one council which was asked by a newspaper: “What is the oddest FOI question you’ve been asked?”
The council, perhaps unsurprisingly, replied: “This one.”
The name game
THERE was once a campaign to have a public holiday named after Margaret Thatcher. A Diary correspondent pointed out that Thatcher wouldn’t be the first politician to be so honoured.
Said our reader: “Theresa May already has a bank holiday named after her.”
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