Upwardly mobile students

WE’RE shining a harsh spotlight on the behaviour of those feral and untameable animals, also known as schoolchildren.

The wife of Robin Mather from Musselburgh taught in a school situated in a less than salubrious area of Edinburgh, where she was once asked to take a foundation class, replacing the usual teacher, who was off sick.

“With understandable trepidation she entered the classroom and was relieved to see a smaller number of pupils than she expected,” says Robin.

She started the lesson, but quickly became aware of sniggering at the back of the class. When she enquired about the reason, a boy at the back explained: “They’re up the ceiling, miss.” 

She immediately called out: “Johnny, William and Shuggie – come down here this minute!” 

The boys revealed themselves, and it became apparent that they had climbed up the heating pipes at the back of the room and pushed up the breeze blocks in the ceiling.

“The good old days!” says Robin approvingly.


Geographical japery

ISLE of Lewis resident John Mulholland was browsing the local social media page, when he noticed that somebody had posted the question: “Does anyone know if there is a chiropractor on the island?”

Another person had answer, “Back?”, followed by a laughing emoji.

John concedes that this response might not seem especially hilarious to most people, but as he points out: “For an islander it’s incredibly funny, because there’s a village on Lewis called Back.”


Rhymey-timey, againy

WE’RE figuring out what certain objects would be called if they had been named by the same bright spark who decided to call a two-way radio a walkie-talkie.

Robert Menzies says: “A mop bought in Glasgow would surely be a weegie-squeegee."


Hard to swallow

FOOD for thought. Reader Georgia Murray told a friend that she enjoys eating shellfish but often has an upset stomach afterwards.

“Ah,” said her friend, nodding wisely. “That’s the clam before the storm.”


Stat makes sense

STATISTICAL ruminations from reader Peter Muir, who says: “All surveys are biased in favour of those who are willing to take surveys.”


Dermatological designation

MORE madcap workplace monikers. Ronald Cook says: “My brother knew a young storeman in Ravenscraig steelworks who unfortunately suffered from severe acne attacks. He also enjoyed sailing at weekends, so it was no surprise that his fellow workers called him Skinbad the Sailor.”

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Barking mad boozer

“I’VE trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine,” says reader Sarah Jones. “He’s a Bordeaux collie.”