Sappy similes

IT was another disastrous week for the Conservative Party, with the sacking of Suella Braverman.

Knowing the chaotic ways of the Tories, it won’t be long until Suella is rehired as Home Secretary, though she’ll be sacked again a week later.

Meanwhile, David Cameron has returned to frontline politics. What next? Will "modernising" PM, Rishi Sunak, bring back the penny-farthing bike and Dixon of Dock Green on the telly?

All of the above has created a serious problem for the Diary…

“How should we describe Tory disarray?” asked the Diary Editor.

“Let’s say the party’s like the Titanic heading towards the iceberg,” said one of the Editor’s underlings.

“Don’t be an eejit,” roared the Ed. “Every hack in the UK will use that simile. We need something fresh… unexpected… poetic, even.”

“Tories have as much future as Kojak’s comb?” suggested another minion.

“Kojak?” sputtered the Ed. “He’s even more irrelevant to the modern world than David Cameron.”

We never did come up with a suitable simile, leading the exasperated Ed to conclude that, like the Tory Party, the Diary’s glory days are long gone.

To prove his point, he’s decided to share with you the following sparkling yarns from our archives…


Biting Bobby badinage

A NEWTON MEARNS reader took his wife to her first football match at Hampden in the early 1970s, where the crowd were giving it laldy with a derogatory chant about England captain Bobby Moore.

“Which one is Bobby Moore?” she asked.

“None,” replied our reader. “The game was Scotland v Wales.”


Fallen hero

FOOTBALL continued. We recall when Spurs player Gareth Bale was transferred to Real Madrid for truckloads of money. One observer opined: “If I was spending £90m for something that dives, it better be a submarine.”


Funny money

LACONIC Glasgow comedian Arnold Brown received a lifetime achievement award at the Scottish Comedy awards a while ago.

We liked Arnold’s reaction.

“It’s always great to be regarded as the comedian’s comedian,” he said, “but my real ambition has always been to be the bank manager’s comedian.”


Love… actually?

ON a Glasgow bus, a reader heard a young woman tell her pal: “Going out with someone because they’re good-looking is so shallow. You should take other things into account - like does he have loads of money?”


Shop shifting

A READER recalled the late Queen coming to Irvine in 1979. A row of derelict shops in the High Street opposite the Town Hall were painted specially for her visit. Further "improvements" took place a couple of weeks after she left.

The shops were demolished for redevelopment.

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Liquid laughs

“WHAT do you call a bloke pouring water into a glass?” a reader asked. “Phil.”