AS the first flickering lights of the New Year begin to startle us from our festive slumbers, it seems appropriate to look at what 2024 will bring us.
And so, relying on little but my own political and social antennae, here are just a few of the outcomes I expect to see in the course of the next 12 months.
JANUARY
THE campaign to legalise euthanasia being led by the Scottish Liberal Democrat MSP Liam McArthur has already hit 2024 running. Supporters of the proposals announce that a specially-trained team will perhaps be making visits to elderly people offering a suite of tax breaks and discounts to ensure maximum uptake.
FEBRUARY
PRIME Minister Rishi Sunak drops another broad hint about the timing of the General Election: “My working assumption is that it will occur in the second half of the second half of the last possible month of 2024.”
Following the announcement, the SNP’s Westminster drinking and fine dining club (membership: 43) repair to the members’ bar, chanting: “six more months, six more months”.
MARCH
SOURCES close to Mhairi Black, deputy leader of the SNP’s Westminster group, hint that the Paisley and Renfrewshire South MP is preparing to run for leadership of the party in the event that it all becomes too much for Humza Yousaf. “Mhairi thinks she has what it takes to become leader and once she receives assurances that she can continue to work from home three days a week she’ll be right up for it.”
APRIL
THE Herald is shown a leaked document detailing transactions between the SNP and a well-known Irish horse-racing syndicate. Several payments amounting to around £600k are evident.
It’s believed these are investments in the legendary Irish grey Drunken Leprechaun whom party executives had been assured was directly descended from Shergar following a hushed-up assignation with a mare from Tralee during the annual farmers’ festival.
MAY
AS the controversy surrounding the Rangers penalty incident in last December’s Glasgow derby enters its sixth month, the Scottish Conservatives demand that all the names of those who attended the Papal Mass at Bellahouston in 1982 be made public.
“We just want to ensure there are no patterns of undue influence being exerted in Scottish society,” said a party spokesperson.
JUNE
SCOTLAND defeat hosts Germany in the opening match of the 2024 European Championships followed by victories in other group matches against Switzerland and Hungary. They are immediately installed new tournament favourites. In response, Health Minister Michael Matheson imposes an emergency 50% levy on sales of alcohol. There’s a curfew on pubs and clubs. “We all know what happens because of Scotland’s historic and damaging relationship with excessive jollity and tomfoolery,” he says.
JULY
FOLLOWING Scotland’s victory over England in the European Championship finals, the Scottish Government declares a state of emergency and asks for UN support to maintain basic services.
AUGUST
FIRST Minister Humza Yousaf holds bilateral Zoom discussions with president Volodomir Zelenskyy about support for Ukraine in its war with Russia.
A Bute House spokesman says: “Without independence, there’s a limit to how much support we can offer Ukraine. But we’ve decided to send £50k worth of shortbread and tartan scarves to let frontline soldiers know that Scotland is thinking of them.”
SEPTEMBER
THERE are calls for Humza Yousaf to revive the independence campaign on the 10th anniversary of the first referendum. A spokesman says: “We’ll have a year-long conversation with local constituencies who’ll be given another year to provide a blueprint which will form the theme for our 2027 “Summer O’ Jist Thinkin’ Aboot Independence”.
OCTOBER
THE Scottish Greens launch a campaign to turn the M8 into Europe’s largest cycle lane.
It forms the centrepiece of a suite of measures to reduce our carbon footprint which includes closing off Scotland to all air travel, except for private flights to the COP climate conferences.
A party spokesperson says: “The advances in virtual reality and AI technology mean we can all just imagine going abroad.”
NOVEMBER
SCOTLAND’S political lobbying sector holds its inaugural political Recruitment Fair. It comes in the wake of 29 SNP MPs losing their seats at the UK election. A spokesman for Buccleuch, Balmoral and Ballater strategic communications said: “Preference will be given to those who made the most attractive connections with global finance and defence contractors during their time at Westminster.
DECEMBER
IN a keynote speech signifying Scotland’s greater influence on the international stage, Humza Yousaf criticises the Brazilian government “for the state of that Amazon”. He announces the start of non-binding, bilateral talks with the Greek government about helping them get “a couple of their Elgin marbles back”. A spokesman said: “We’ve approached Moray council who’ve said they’re open to the idea and will set up a fact-finding trip to the Greek Islands at the earliest opportunity.”
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